Da da Da da, dadadadada
I am hooked up to my chemo drip for (hopefully) the last time ever. I was warned it might be a little strange when I went for my last session and, well, it was. We'll see how Friday goes since that is really my last day but I think the bottom line is that I am not going to feel done or *free* or less terrified until I see that PET scan and unfortunately, I may have a while before I can do that. Don't get me wrong, life "chemo free" is going to bring me a great deal of happiness. I am going to feel like I have so much more energy and time on my hands. I'm really looking forward to using that time and energy wisely.
I am fully expecting the PET scan to come back clear, but sometimes there is a voice in my head that spews statistics (which is really weird when you consider how bad I was at statistics in college) and the fear comes back. I get scared that decreasing my dose of chemo will make it not all be gone. What if I wasn't strong enough to handle the amount of medicine I needed to fight this thing?? Some people might say this type of thinking in not productive and I agree that blaming myself is not fair....but I do feel like I need to prepare myself for the fact that there is a chance I will not be "NED" (no evidence of disease). Hopefully that won't happen and I never have to see that freaking chemo lab or the truly wonderful people who work there and get treated there ever again. As I've said from the beginning, I haven't really had a choice to do chemo, work full time, raise kids, be a wife, etc. so I'm not necessarily proud of "accomplishing" anything....believe me, if I wasn't scared of dying, I would have quit chemo at session 8. But I am still generally happy to have made it to the end. And I think I did it with some grace and dignity, whcn I was feeling up to it ; ) Luckily last session was decent. Unfortunately, I feel kind of crummy already this time around. Guess that is the crapshoot that is chemo.
So at this time on Friday, I will be done. Hopefully I will feel ok, but even if I don't, I know it will be the last time I have to feel like that so I will suck it up. I will probably update after the weekend again and then I'll be back when radiation is about to start.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
One More to Go!!!
I honestly can't believe I'm almost done with chemo. It's hard to explain as on the one hand, I had less than six months of chemo to do and I think we've all experienced how quickly six months can go. On the other hand, I had 12 cycles of chemo and got pretty sick, run down, in pain with almost every one, which made it feel like I would never get through. Cycles 9 and 10 were so hard I was seriously taking anxiety meds in preparation for number 11....and then.....nothing. This was possibly the easiest cycle I've had, including the first one and side effects are definitely supposed to be cumulative. I have no idea why I didn't have migraines, vomiting, debilitating exhaustion, though the neurotic in me is of course worried they didn't give me the right meds or dose. They show me everything they give me, but how do I know there wasn't some Kramer-esque mix up in the lab and I wound up with dextrose instead of 5-fu or Oxi. Yes, one of my chemo drugs is called 5- fu. I find it appropriate. Sometimes while I'm hurling into my trash can I find myself saying F U, fu. Not really but, I could say that. But now I only have one more opportunity to say that!! Of course, after this last cycle I'm hoping for another easy go of it, but if I need to take one on the chin and go out with a blaze of chemo induced glory then that is what I'll do. I've got a med cabinet full of anti-nausea meds that need to be used up before they expire. Bring it!
Alas I won't be completely done when I get disconnected on the 28th. I go in for my pre-radiation appointment on the 10th and then I should start radiation about two weeks after that. I will go in 5 days a week for 5 weeks but should be able to work and the side effects (if not the risks) are much less than chemo. I'm disappointed that my finish line has been pushed back, but I know I have to do everything I can to beat this thing...so...I'm doing radiation.
Hope everyone is having a happy and healthy holiday season.
Alas I won't be completely done when I get disconnected on the 28th. I go in for my pre-radiation appointment on the 10th and then I should start radiation about two weeks after that. I will go in 5 days a week for 5 weeks but should be able to work and the side effects (if not the risks) are much less than chemo. I'm disappointed that my finish line has been pushed back, but I know I have to do everything I can to beat this thing...so...I'm doing radiation.
Hope everyone is having a happy and healthy holiday season.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Some Perspective
I'm sitting in the chemo lab getting IV fluids, like I do each Friday after chemo, and watching the most horrific thing I've seen in years. A shooting at a Connecticut Elementary school where at least 18 children, most likely kindergardners have been killed. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of what they went through. I want to go grab Garrison and never let her out of my sight.
I was all set to post about me and how chemo is going but, screw me. Chemo is fine (it actually seems to be taking it easy on me this time), but cancer seems like such small potatoes when you compare it to losing your baby. I pray these families can find peace, I have no idea how you go on. I suppose if you have other children, you go on for them but I can't fathom the pain....and I think I know a bit about pain.
I was all set to post about me and how chemo is going but, screw me. Chemo is fine (it actually seems to be taking it easy on me this time), but cancer seems like such small potatoes when you compare it to losing your baby. I pray these families can find peace, I have no idea how you go on. I suppose if you have other children, you go on for them but I can't fathom the pain....and I think I know a bit about pain.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Top Ten Things I Can't Wait To Do
Now that I'm (hopefully) in the homestretch, I've been thinking of all things I can't wait to do once this hell is over. Some things I haven't been able to do due to the "condition" of my colon, some because of chemo, and some simply because I feel like crap. Hopefully these factors will all be history soon. So, here is the list:
10. Get organized. I am so exhausted and between work, doctor appointments and two kids I simply haven't had the time or energy to keep up with organizing the kids clothes or food, etc. Wes does a ton to help out but being organized is not one of his strengths and I feel like we are constantly wasting time looking for stuff. I can't wait until I can stay up past 8 pm and put some systems in place.
9. Exercise. Same reasons as above, zero energy and zero time. I've lost about 70 pounds since April but I think much of it was muscle. Also, after I'm done with chemo I won't be spending 10 days of each month too sick to eat so I need to start exercising so I don't gain it all back. I have no intentions of doing anything rigorous, I've run my marathons and biked my centuries, I'll be happy to just get 30 minutes walking on the treadmill and some weights each morning.
8. Eat mango. I tried that a couple of months ago and I seriously thought I was going to need to go to the ER. There are other fruits I miss too but mango is the big one.
7. Eat salad. Supposedly I can do this now, but I'm afraid (see above). I have had lettuce and tomato in small doses but I worry a whole salad would um, cause problems. And I've made it this far so...better safe than sorry.
6. Eat cashews and popcorn. These are a total no-no. It's one of those things that I really didn't think I'd care about but when you smell that popcorn, you want to get a handful, and I can't. So, yeah, I will be indulging in some of that in 2013.
5. Drink alcohol. I've had a drink here and there but it just doesn't really appeal to me. I want to go have 3-4 glasses of wine with some friends or a few beers with my husband. I guess number 5 should really say "get a little drunk"...it's been a rough year, I deserve it.
4. Go clothes shopping. I've lost all this weight but there is a part of me that is scared I will gain some back so I haven't bought much in the way of new clothes. Most of my pants are way too big and I walk around holding and pulling them up. I just want to prove to myself that I can maintain this weight for a few weeks after chemo before I start spending money on a whole new wardrobe.
3. Get to know Brooks. And have him get to know me. My mom, Rozanne, and Wes take care of him so much more than I do....sometimes I don't feel like his mom. Most of it has to do with my energy level but I think there is some sub-conscious stuff there too. Sometimes I'm still afraid I might die and I think I've kept myself at a distance from bonding too much so he wouldn't know the difference if suddenly I wasn't here. I'm not sure people not in my shoes will get that, but...whatever.
2. Doing a better job at work. My job is pretty stressful as it is but trying to do it in about 65-70 hours a pay period is super stressful. My staff have taken several things off my plate, which stresses me out more but I still don't get it all done and I have lots of guilt. Part of the reason I am blogging at 5:30 am is because I can't sleep because I'm stressed about work. So I'm looking forward to being full time again and getting rid of my chemo brain so I can be a good employee.
1. Getting s pedicure! It's been 5 months...'nuff said.
Four weeks and two days left!
10. Get organized. I am so exhausted and between work, doctor appointments and two kids I simply haven't had the time or energy to keep up with organizing the kids clothes or food, etc. Wes does a ton to help out but being organized is not one of his strengths and I feel like we are constantly wasting time looking for stuff. I can't wait until I can stay up past 8 pm and put some systems in place.
9. Exercise. Same reasons as above, zero energy and zero time. I've lost about 70 pounds since April but I think much of it was muscle. Also, after I'm done with chemo I won't be spending 10 days of each month too sick to eat so I need to start exercising so I don't gain it all back. I have no intentions of doing anything rigorous, I've run my marathons and biked my centuries, I'll be happy to just get 30 minutes walking on the treadmill and some weights each morning.
8. Eat mango. I tried that a couple of months ago and I seriously thought I was going to need to go to the ER. There are other fruits I miss too but mango is the big one.
7. Eat salad. Supposedly I can do this now, but I'm afraid (see above). I have had lettuce and tomato in small doses but I worry a whole salad would um, cause problems. And I've made it this far so...better safe than sorry.
6. Eat cashews and popcorn. These are a total no-no. It's one of those things that I really didn't think I'd care about but when you smell that popcorn, you want to get a handful, and I can't. So, yeah, I will be indulging in some of that in 2013.
5. Drink alcohol. I've had a drink here and there but it just doesn't really appeal to me. I want to go have 3-4 glasses of wine with some friends or a few beers with my husband. I guess number 5 should really say "get a little drunk"...it's been a rough year, I deserve it.
4. Go clothes shopping. I've lost all this weight but there is a part of me that is scared I will gain some back so I haven't bought much in the way of new clothes. Most of my pants are way too big and I walk around holding and pulling them up. I just want to prove to myself that I can maintain this weight for a few weeks after chemo before I start spending money on a whole new wardrobe.
3. Get to know Brooks. And have him get to know me. My mom, Rozanne, and Wes take care of him so much more than I do....sometimes I don't feel like his mom. Most of it has to do with my energy level but I think there is some sub-conscious stuff there too. Sometimes I'm still afraid I might die and I think I've kept myself at a distance from bonding too much so he wouldn't know the difference if suddenly I wasn't here. I'm not sure people not in my shoes will get that, but...whatever.
2. Doing a better job at work. My job is pretty stressful as it is but trying to do it in about 65-70 hours a pay period is super stressful. My staff have taken several things off my plate, which stresses me out more but I still don't get it all done and I have lots of guilt. Part of the reason I am blogging at 5:30 am is because I can't sleep because I'm stressed about work. So I'm looking forward to being full time again and getting rid of my chemo brain so I can be a good employee.
1. Getting s pedicure! It's been 5 months...'nuff said.
Four weeks and two days left!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
9 down, 3 to go!!
Well, almost anyway. I'm in the chair (sweating my ass off) as I type this. I have about 45 minutes left. They actually decreased my dosage last cycle since I had been having such a rough time so that makes my time in the chair a little shorter and it made me feel a *little* better in between cycles this time. Well, considering how sick I had been after cycles 6 and 7, I guess I was a lot better, but it's still chemo and I still had some crummy days, but overall, it's better.
Obviously it's a little bittersweet to have my dose reduced since I really wanted to throw everything I could at this thing. I do not want to see cancer on my PET scan when this is all over and if I do, I know I'll wonder if I was stronger and could have tolerated the full dose, if the cancer would have been totally gone. But, I know that is not healthy thinking so I have to just push that out of my mind and focus on the fact that staying healthy in between cycles is probably just as critical to me beating cancer. The sicker I get, the better chance I have of having to postpone a cycle or quit all together so, it is what it is.
On a related note, my oncologist told me he didn't actually think I needed radiation after this. If that is the case, that means I really could be totally done with treatment in 2012 and fully move on in 2013. I start to tear up thinking about that!! He suggested I discuss it further with a radiation oncologist, but he didn' think that my particular case would require/benefit more from radiation. He added that since I had such a rough time with chemo, he really felt it wasn't worth it. Studies haven't shown there to be much benefit to radiation in cases similar to mine. But, I will get the second opinion to be sure. Obviously I want to be done as soon as possible but most importantly, I want to be done and not have to ever come back (well, except for my yearly "you still don't have any cancer" appointments).
I feel like there is a lot more I wanted to write about since I haven't felt well in so long. But....that's all I've got for now. Maybe I'll come up with more later.
Three more to go!!
Obviously it's a little bittersweet to have my dose reduced since I really wanted to throw everything I could at this thing. I do not want to see cancer on my PET scan when this is all over and if I do, I know I'll wonder if I was stronger and could have tolerated the full dose, if the cancer would have been totally gone. But, I know that is not healthy thinking so I have to just push that out of my mind and focus on the fact that staying healthy in between cycles is probably just as critical to me beating cancer. The sicker I get, the better chance I have of having to postpone a cycle or quit all together so, it is what it is.
On a related note, my oncologist told me he didn't actually think I needed radiation after this. If that is the case, that means I really could be totally done with treatment in 2012 and fully move on in 2013. I start to tear up thinking about that!! He suggested I discuss it further with a radiation oncologist, but he didn' think that my particular case would require/benefit more from radiation. He added that since I had such a rough time with chemo, he really felt it wasn't worth it. Studies haven't shown there to be much benefit to radiation in cases similar to mine. But, I will get the second opinion to be sure. Obviously I want to be done as soon as possible but most importantly, I want to be done and not have to ever come back (well, except for my yearly "you still don't have any cancer" appointments).
I feel like there is a lot more I wanted to write about since I haven't felt well in so long. But....that's all I've got for now. Maybe I'll come up with more later.
Three more to go!!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I am not a Wimp!
Repeat until I believe it. I have run two marathons but this chemo is killing me...hopefully not literally. I have been stuck in bed and sick as a dog all weekend. I think I'm a victim of the perfect storm trifecta, a bad reaction to my flu shot Tuesday plus a bad reaction to chemo on Wednesday and a cold from hell. The good news is that I'm not going to feel fat when I turn 40 this week.
Ugh, I hate to have this blog be filled with me bitching. I really wanted it to serve as inspiration for others and not to scare you but this is getting hard. I hate that i know other people who have handled this treatment much more gracefully than me. I'm actually considering going back on disability at least part time. I think working full time is just too much for me right now. I wanted to be a rockstar but I just don't have it in me. Maybe I'll feel differently when I finally feel better and can eat something but the past month hasn't given me much of a break so I'm not too sure. I know I will feel better when I'm done but that seems like such a long haul with how I feel right now. It really does remind me of the Marine Corps marathon when you reach the 14th street bridge (and realize how steep it is) and you want to quit...but you know Crystal City is right around the corner and it is FLAT! I just need to keep running....or at least walking.
In an effort to not be a total Debbie Downer, I'm going to be 40 on Tuesday. There was a period in June when I wasn't sure I would see 40, so that's a good thing. Other than having cancer, I feel pretty good about where my life is at 40, and since this cancer thing is a totally temporary pain in the ass, I'd say that's pretty good.
Ugh, I hate to have this blog be filled with me bitching. I really wanted it to serve as inspiration for others and not to scare you but this is getting hard. I hate that i know other people who have handled this treatment much more gracefully than me. I'm actually considering going back on disability at least part time. I think working full time is just too much for me right now. I wanted to be a rockstar but I just don't have it in me. Maybe I'll feel differently when I finally feel better and can eat something but the past month hasn't given me much of a break so I'm not too sure. I know I will feel better when I'm done but that seems like such a long haul with how I feel right now. It really does remind me of the Marine Corps marathon when you reach the 14th street bridge (and realize how steep it is) and you want to quit...but you know Crystal City is right around the corner and it is FLAT! I just need to keep running....or at least walking.
In an effort to not be a total Debbie Downer, I'm going to be 40 on Tuesday. There was a period in June when I wasn't sure I would see 40, so that's a good thing. Other than having cancer, I feel pretty good about where my life is at 40, and since this cancer thing is a totally temporary pain in the ass, I'd say that's pretty good.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
NOW I'm half way done.
Well, I will be in about an hour or so. I'm currently hooked up for my 6th session. My counts yesterday weren't great but my doctor was resistant to putting things on hold as "we are at a critical point in treatment", a philosophy which I approve of, but I have to admit I don't feel well. My general "Tuesday before chemo boost" was non existent yesterday and today I actually slept the first two hours of treatment, something I've never done. I am really wiped out and can't quite seem to get ahead of feeling crummy. Oh well. 6 more sessions. I know I will probably feel worse before I feel better but....I can do this.
For those of you who read the last post but haven't been updated, luckily I don't have Stage 5 cancer. The pain I experienced got incredibly bad on Tuesday and my stupid oncologist office wouldn't return my calls so I ended up in the emergency room on Wednesday. Got another CT scan (I believe this is my 7th) and found out I had colitis. Basically an infection of the colon. Not sure if it was chemo related (that is what my Dr thinks) or viral (what my nurse thinks) but luckily, it seems to be gone now, but it wiped me out. I didn't eat most of the week but felt decent just in time for Brooksie's blessing on Sunday. Unfortunately he had really bad eczema that day but it was so wonderful to have so many friends and family come to our home to show their love and support for him. It really means so much to us to have such amazing people in our lives and the lives of our children. I've got a couple of my favorite shots from the day.
I'm making my list of all the things I look forward to doing when cancer and chemo don't rule my life. #1 is actually getting up with Brooks overnight (though I really hope he isn't still waking up overnight by the time I'm done). I just feel so bad for Wes and believe it or not, I think I'm the more patient of the two of us when it comes to overnight waking up. He gets so frustrated and doesn't remember G did similar things. How can you get frustrated at this sweet face?? Unfortunately, I just can't help much right now. I'm so exhausted as it is and being more tired puts me at more risk of getting more random illnesses. But I look forward to being a more active parent first and foremost when this hell is over. I can think of several other things to add but I'll save those for future posts.
So, guess that's it for now. Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support. Looking forward to paying you all back (with drinks and friendship-- not prayers for being sick!) asap.
In non-cancer news Garrison dropped her first "s bomb" today. Seriously cannot believe it took this long since she does ride in the car with me quite a lot and that is where I use some of my most colorful language. I realized the house alarm was on and I didn't have my key fob to turn it off so I had to run to the office to do it on the key pad (I don't think I said any bad words) but when G asked Nana what happened and she told her the alarm was on, she said "oh shit". Love that kid. So for those keeping track, I have thinning hair, jacked up feet, getting fat again, I'm dumb as a rock, and I have a kid who talks like a sailor....but I guess I can't blame chemo for that one.
For those of you who read the last post but haven't been updated, luckily I don't have Stage 5 cancer. The pain I experienced got incredibly bad on Tuesday and my stupid oncologist office wouldn't return my calls so I ended up in the emergency room on Wednesday. Got another CT scan (I believe this is my 7th) and found out I had colitis. Basically an infection of the colon. Not sure if it was chemo related (that is what my Dr thinks) or viral (what my nurse thinks) but luckily, it seems to be gone now, but it wiped me out. I didn't eat most of the week but felt decent just in time for Brooksie's blessing on Sunday. Unfortunately he had really bad eczema that day but it was so wonderful to have so many friends and family come to our home to show their love and support for him. It really means so much to us to have such amazing people in our lives and the lives of our children. I've got a couple of my favorite shots from the day.
So, guess that's it for now. Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support. Looking forward to paying you all back (with drinks and friendship-- not prayers for being sick!) asap.
In non-cancer news Garrison dropped her first "s bomb" today. Seriously cannot believe it took this long since she does ride in the car with me quite a lot and that is where I use some of my most colorful language. I realized the house alarm was on and I didn't have my key fob to turn it off so I had to run to the office to do it on the key pad (I don't think I said any bad words) but when G asked Nana what happened and she told her the alarm was on, she said "oh shit". Love that kid. So for those keeping track, I have thinning hair, jacked up feet, getting fat again, I'm dumb as a rock, and I have a kid who talks like a sailor....but I guess I can't blame chemo for that one.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Dreams
I'm home sick from work today (not really sure what it wrong, the oncologist thinks it is a side effect from one of the chemo drugs but honestly I feel like I did before I was diagnosed so that is scary to me). I just dosed off and had a dream where I was talking to my friend Kevin (who died in 9/11), mid way through the conversation he asked me if I knew why I could talk to him. It clearly hadn't occurred to me until right then and I asked if I was dead. He said I wasn't but that it turned out I had Stage 5 Colon Cancer (which I don't even think exists, so you know that's bad, but it makes sense since I don't like to do things half assed....man there are a ton of colon cancer puns) and once "they decided you were going to die you were allowed to talk to dead people". Cool....except for the about to die part.
Then I was at the kid's pediatrician's office and they told me I had to go into a special office and a doctor would watch the kids. They told me I had Stage 5 cancer (which I already knew, thank you Kevin) and I needed to get my affairs in order.
Clearly it is one of those bizarre dreams but it really demonstrates my anxiety right now. I worry I have another tumor, which would of course be terrible and seems unlikely or that the chemo is messing with me so bad that I am going to need to stop one of the meds and that means I don't throw 100% at getting cured, which is only slightly less terrible in my book.
I'm better than I was yesterday but still feel pretty bad so if I don't improve tomorrow I will go back. In the meantime I have about 50 people coming to my house for Brooks's blessing on Sunday and being sidelined is not helping me get ready or my anxiety level. So, friends and family, don't judge....I just may have stage 5 colon cancer.
Then I was at the kid's pediatrician's office and they told me I had to go into a special office and a doctor would watch the kids. They told me I had Stage 5 cancer (which I already knew, thank you Kevin) and I needed to get my affairs in order.
Clearly it is one of those bizarre dreams but it really demonstrates my anxiety right now. I worry I have another tumor, which would of course be terrible and seems unlikely or that the chemo is messing with me so bad that I am going to need to stop one of the meds and that means I don't throw 100% at getting cured, which is only slightly less terrible in my book.
I'm better than I was yesterday but still feel pretty bad so if I don't improve tomorrow I will go back. In the meantime I have about 50 people coming to my house for Brooks's blessing on Sunday and being sidelined is not helping me get ready or my anxiety level. So, friends and family, don't judge....I just may have stage 5 colon cancer.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The Beginning
Figured this was as good a time as any to go back and fill everyone in on how this all started....well, who the hell knows how it all started, but how it started to effect me.
Lot's of people have actually asked me these details because they had symptoms they were worried about and wanted ....advice? ....peace of mind? not sure, but they asked and I told them and now I will tell you. I hope it does serve as some form of education to people and while I certainly hope no one I know ever has to go through this, you just may and I hope my experience will help someone go get checked out and treated sooner than I did.
***So this is a post about my symptoms of colon cancer. There is absolutely no dignity in colon cancer. Your colon is basically a transporter of poop so, this is not going to make me appear very sexy or cool to anyone but I feel like it's important and I lost my pride and humility a long time ago so, you've been warned.***
Basically I have never considered myself to be "regular". We've long joked in our house about how Wes has to spend thirty minutes in the bathroom every morning at the exact same time (you didn't think I was going to embarrass myself about talking about my symptoms without getting a shot in at Wes, did you?) and I could put that function off until it was completely convenient for me. This got worse for me during my pregnancy with Garrison but I figured it was a part of pregnancy and I felt like after delivery I went back to my "normal". On occasion I assumed I had hemorrhoids due to some bleeding but that came and went and I thought it was fairly normal too. Otherwise, the first real symptom that I can think of occurred right after my dad died in March of 2011. While planning his funeral, I got severe abdominal pain. I assumed it was from stress and eating crappy hospital food for the past several weeks but after a week of feeling terrible I went to my doctor and found out I had a UTI. This may not sound weird but I hadn't had a UTI since I was 19 and hadn't done anything that would normally result in a UTI so I was bit baffled (but thought I was being paranoid because my Dad had just died of cancer). I took the full course of antibiotics and enjoyed a few days of feeling better and then the pain started again. I had another UTI. This was not normal UTI pain either, as with the first time, it was severe abdominal pain but no pain when urinating or an urgent need to pee. My pee was the color of rust. My doctor sent me for a kidney ultrasound to see if I had a blockage or kidney stones. I didn't and luckily it seemed like the next round of antibiotics worked. The infection went away for good that time.
That summer I got pregnant with Brooks and I felt fine the first trimester. Brooks was originally a twin pregnancy but unfortunately, we lost one of the babies around 9 weeks. As with Garrison, I had no morning sickness. However, right as I entered the 2nd trimester, I started having pains that I thought might be round ligament pain, but as they progressed over a few days I suspected a UTI. They were very similar to what I had experienced in the spring. I called my OB and was tested for UTI but the test was negative. My urine again was the color of rust, even though I was drinking 100 ounces of water a day. I went back to my OB three times continually complaining of pain and fevers, they kept telling me to up my water intake and that I might be having symptoms because of my body absorbing the lost twin, constipation and that second pregnancies were harder than firsts. So, I dealt with the pain and fevers for two and a half weeks. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and went to labor and delivery and was actually admitted. That night the pain was manageable and I actually worried that they were going to think I was being a baby. Around 4 am I started getting chills and asked for more blankets and another tylenol. It was too early to get more meds but the nurse brought me a blanket. I was shaking uncontrollably so she left to get me more blankets. By the time she came back I couldn't even catch my breath. She called for help, I got oxygen and was throwing up. They took my temperature and it was 104.1! There were about 5 nurses and doctors attending to me and they seriously seemed freaked out. I got a shot of dilaudid (heaven!) and started to feel better. The fever broke and I was doing better by the time they ordered a bunch of tests including an MRI. The assumption was that it was my appendix, even though I didn't think that was it since the issues seemed more chronic than acute to me, but whatever. The only thing they found was a swollen fallopian tube. I had a consult and they decided not to operate because it would be too risky to Brooks. I was feeling better so I was ok with that. So, I stayed two nights, went home and felt better most of the rest of the pregnancy. By better, I don't mean good, but better. I was exhausted but figured it was due to being anemic, which I was and to being really big....which I was. By 36 weeks I was having about 10 contractions an hour most of the time and had to have weekly NSTs....but I made it to 39 weeks and 3 days and Brooks was born healthy and I looked forward to feeling better post pregnancy.
My delivery was so much easier with Brooks than with Garrison so I was really optimistic about my recovery the first few days. I felt decent until we went home. The day I went home I started feeling bad and by that night I had what I thought was a stomach bug. Basically I had terrible diarrhea. After 3 days we called my Dr and were told (by the on call doctor) it might be a uterine infection or it might just be a bug and was prescribed antibiotics. Things got worst but my OB told me it didn't sound like a uterine infection after all and to stop the antibiotics and just take immodium. That stopped the diarrhea but not the terrible cramping that had accompanied it. I put up with it for almost 4 weeks, which looking back infuriates me. It felt a lot like what I had experienced in October so I asked my OB to refer me for an ultrasound so we could look at the fallopian tube again and possibly have it removed. The u/s (which was vaginal, btw...have mentioned that I had birthed a 9 pound baby from that very vagina 4 weeks earlier, so yeah that hurt like a mofo) showed what looked like retained placenta in my uterus but didn't even see my fallopian tube. They said I needed to wait a few weeks and get a repeat scan to be see if the placenta issue resolved itself. I felt so hopeless since they told me that the placenta would not cause the kind of pain I was experiencing and that maybe I should see a GI. So I went to my pcp the next day to get a referral. While there, I asked for a UTI test and low and behold it was positive. I thought I had my answer. Of course, I almost got mastitis from pumping and dumping for 24 hours when I started the antibiotic but that's not the focus of this post. I felt better. I looked forward to actually caring for my children and maybe even getting to enjoy my maternity leave. Unfortunately within a few days I felt bad again. I went back to my pcp and sure enough I had another UTI. I knew this was bad. No UTIs in 19 years and then 4 within one year made no sense whatsoever to me. So, luckily my pcp ordered a CT scan. I was so happy to finally be taken seriously.
So, I drank my Berry Flavored Berium, which sucked by the way, and had the CT scan on the Tuesday before Memorial Day weekend. My Dr called me only a few hours after the scan even though I was told to not expect a call for a few days. She told me that apparently the CT had shown retained placenta in my uterus (duh), and something in my colon that was either an abcess or gas. While I was happy it showed something, the idea that all of this pain was caused by me needing to fart was frustrating and beyond embarrassing. She told me I needed to repeat the scan that Thursday. Great. So, I went and got another two bottles of berry flavored berium and drank them. They did not taste any better than the first time around. I honestly thought about cancelling the appointment. I felt a bit better most of the day and figured if it was just gas, I could work on dealing with that....somehow. But I went anyway and actually by the time I got to the office the pain had come back as it did every day and was needing to breath through it like contractions by the time I went back for the scan. Basically the results were the same. My Dr said they wanted to do a 3rd scan but this time to do a rectal scan, which sounded fantastic! (for those of you reading this that don't know me that well, that is sarcasm) She told me we would schedule it after the weekend if I didn't feel better by then and suggested I try an enema to avoid the scan....so that Monday I finally worked up the nerve to do just that. And.....it didn't work. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
The pain continued that day and I finally decided I had had enough and drove myself to the ER (after checking the wait times on the website). They got me in quickly and got me some morphine (thankyouverymuch) and then did another ultrasound (vaginal....cue tears) and again talked about retained placenta, this time adding that there appeared to be an abcess near my ovary that could very well be causing my pain. I was admitted to the women and children unit (the cadillac of units at Fairfax Hospital) and scheduled for a D&C for the next day. My OB/GYN performed the D&C and informed me afterwards that there was not actually placenta in the uterus but some other tissue and that behind my uterus she found lots of blood that was concerning to her so she was consulting with a GI doctor....well, now that I think about it, she probably brought in the colorectal surgeon at that point if I remember correctly. It's weird how I thought I would never forget those days. I believe they quickly talked about the need for me to have a colonoscopy but were concerned I couldn't do it in the physical condition I was in at the time. They finally decided I would get a partial colonoscopy and therefore I had to be moved to the general surgical unit (the Yugo of units at Fairfax Hospital-- it is the unit that will be replaced when all of the renovations are done). I was moved Friday night and at 8:30 Saturday morning my OB called. When I answered the phone she said "oh, Susan. I thought I was calling Wes" That's when I knew I was fucked.
She asked me to call Wes and have him meet us at the hospital. I knew what she was going to say before she got there. The tissue in my uterus was cancerous. She did not believe I had uterine cancer, she believed the cells came from the colon. At this point my entire world view, comprehension of information, ability to think rationally went down the drain. At the time I thought the nurses on the unit must have hated me but I've since spent so much tme on that unit that I know I wasn't even close to being a really challenging patient. But I was not happy to be there and God help the nurse who had me the shift that I found out I was getting a roomate the same time I was expected to drink two gallons of "go lightly" which tastes like shit and makes you go anything but lightly, by the way. I had just found out I had cancer and now I needed to shit my brains out for 8-10 hours and I felt that having some privacy for this event was not too much to ask. I got the colonoscopy and a private room a week after being initially admitted to the hospital. The colonoscopy confirmed a tumor totally obstructing my colon and bulging outwards to my other organs. I got hooked up to TPN (which is basically an intravenous way of providing protein since I was not really eating at that point) which I would need to continue to have at home and was discharged that Wednesday for a few days while I awaited my surgery date to remove the tumor.
I went back to the hospital the following Monday (June 11) for my colon resection surgery. I knew I was also having at least a partial hysterectomy as well. The cancer had spread to my uterus and possibly both ovaries. Going in to surgery I had been given the option of having both ovaries removed regardless of the presence of cancerous cells (to decrease the chances of the cancer coming back or spreading there in the future). I had decided to take my chances and asked that they save one ovary if at all possible. Surgery was much more complicated than they had anticipated and I woke up in amazing pain and learned they had not been able to save either ovary.
Recovery was horrendous. The first day after surgery I was expected to get out of bed and walk three times. There was no way. I got out of bed and stood there for about 1 minute and that was hell. At this point most of our friends and family had learned of my diagnosis and were sending me messages telling me how I would beat this because I was so strong. I hated those messages. I felt like the weakest piece of poop (emotionally and physically) on the planet and was aggravated that either 1) people believed I was strong and were about to find out what a fraud I was or 2) were blowing smoke up my ass (no pun intended) because you just don't know what to say to a 39 year old with colon cancer. Now, I am of course thankful for those messages (and the continued encouragement) but they were really hard to hear, well, read at the time.
I was morbidly depressed and physically annihilated. Friends came and made me walk. I hated them at the time but they may have helped save my life. Nobody could get me to eat (this was completely new territory for me). Visitors got a real kick out of the sign above my bed reminding people "do not insert anything rectally".....people would seriously laugh out loud when they saw it. I found nothing remotely funny about directions regarding my rectum at the time. Everything about that stay was humiliating and demoralizing. I was miserable. Finally they gave me some antidepressants after tip toeing around the subject and me finally saying "hell yes, I'm depressed, please give me something". I was discharged a week after I was admitted, but if it was up to me, I would have stayed much longer. I dreaded facing the real world and was heartbroken to come to terms with what I was doing to my family.
Obviously this post has turned into something much bigger than I anticipated and I'm not sure if what I'm describing now can still be called the beginning. It was the beginning of my recovery, which was slow and terrible and included two return trips to the emergency room-- one accompanied by sirens in an ambulance. It was terrible to let my daughter see me so ill and I seriously can't believe how terrible I felt for weeks. It wasn't until the last few days of June, after I found out that the diagnosis was Stage IIB (I dreaded it was going to be stage 3 or possibly even 4) that I started to turn the corner and could eat. Once I started eating things got better fast....and now I wish my appetite was not so great as I have put back on almost 15 of the 70 pounds I initially lost. But that is incidental. Today, I am optimistic. Maybe even niaive-- the possibility that a PET scan in January will show cancer still exists in my body is not even a remote possibility to me. Sometimes I fear I am setting my expectations too high....but I can't go through the hell of chemo without believing it will be totally worth it.
Whew, sorry, this turned out a lot longer than I expected. It was a bit painful to write, hope it wasn't too painful to read. I know that when I got my diagnosis I scoured the internet for anyone like me with a similar diagnosis and experience so I feel an obligation to provide my experience should anyone else need the same. While I hope no one I know ever has this experience, unfortunately, it seems the odds may be against that so hopefully my story can at least help someone get diagnosed earlier and better know what to expect.
Lot's of people have actually asked me these details because they had symptoms they were worried about and wanted ....advice? ....peace of mind? not sure, but they asked and I told them and now I will tell you. I hope it does serve as some form of education to people and while I certainly hope no one I know ever has to go through this, you just may and I hope my experience will help someone go get checked out and treated sooner than I did.
***So this is a post about my symptoms of colon cancer. There is absolutely no dignity in colon cancer. Your colon is basically a transporter of poop so, this is not going to make me appear very sexy or cool to anyone but I feel like it's important and I lost my pride and humility a long time ago so, you've been warned.***
Basically I have never considered myself to be "regular". We've long joked in our house about how Wes has to spend thirty minutes in the bathroom every morning at the exact same time (you didn't think I was going to embarrass myself about talking about my symptoms without getting a shot in at Wes, did you?) and I could put that function off until it was completely convenient for me. This got worse for me during my pregnancy with Garrison but I figured it was a part of pregnancy and I felt like after delivery I went back to my "normal". On occasion I assumed I had hemorrhoids due to some bleeding but that came and went and I thought it was fairly normal too. Otherwise, the first real symptom that I can think of occurred right after my dad died in March of 2011. While planning his funeral, I got severe abdominal pain. I assumed it was from stress and eating crappy hospital food for the past several weeks but after a week of feeling terrible I went to my doctor and found out I had a UTI. This may not sound weird but I hadn't had a UTI since I was 19 and hadn't done anything that would normally result in a UTI so I was bit baffled (but thought I was being paranoid because my Dad had just died of cancer). I took the full course of antibiotics and enjoyed a few days of feeling better and then the pain started again. I had another UTI. This was not normal UTI pain either, as with the first time, it was severe abdominal pain but no pain when urinating or an urgent need to pee. My pee was the color of rust. My doctor sent me for a kidney ultrasound to see if I had a blockage or kidney stones. I didn't and luckily it seemed like the next round of antibiotics worked. The infection went away for good that time.
That summer I got pregnant with Brooks and I felt fine the first trimester. Brooks was originally a twin pregnancy but unfortunately, we lost one of the babies around 9 weeks. As with Garrison, I had no morning sickness. However, right as I entered the 2nd trimester, I started having pains that I thought might be round ligament pain, but as they progressed over a few days I suspected a UTI. They were very similar to what I had experienced in the spring. I called my OB and was tested for UTI but the test was negative. My urine again was the color of rust, even though I was drinking 100 ounces of water a day. I went back to my OB three times continually complaining of pain and fevers, they kept telling me to up my water intake and that I might be having symptoms because of my body absorbing the lost twin, constipation and that second pregnancies were harder than firsts. So, I dealt with the pain and fevers for two and a half weeks. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and went to labor and delivery and was actually admitted. That night the pain was manageable and I actually worried that they were going to think I was being a baby. Around 4 am I started getting chills and asked for more blankets and another tylenol. It was too early to get more meds but the nurse brought me a blanket. I was shaking uncontrollably so she left to get me more blankets. By the time she came back I couldn't even catch my breath. She called for help, I got oxygen and was throwing up. They took my temperature and it was 104.1! There were about 5 nurses and doctors attending to me and they seriously seemed freaked out. I got a shot of dilaudid (heaven!) and started to feel better. The fever broke and I was doing better by the time they ordered a bunch of tests including an MRI. The assumption was that it was my appendix, even though I didn't think that was it since the issues seemed more chronic than acute to me, but whatever. The only thing they found was a swollen fallopian tube. I had a consult and they decided not to operate because it would be too risky to Brooks. I was feeling better so I was ok with that. So, I stayed two nights, went home and felt better most of the rest of the pregnancy. By better, I don't mean good, but better. I was exhausted but figured it was due to being anemic, which I was and to being really big....which I was. By 36 weeks I was having about 10 contractions an hour most of the time and had to have weekly NSTs....but I made it to 39 weeks and 3 days and Brooks was born healthy and I looked forward to feeling better post pregnancy.
My delivery was so much easier with Brooks than with Garrison so I was really optimistic about my recovery the first few days. I felt decent until we went home. The day I went home I started feeling bad and by that night I had what I thought was a stomach bug. Basically I had terrible diarrhea. After 3 days we called my Dr and were told (by the on call doctor) it might be a uterine infection or it might just be a bug and was prescribed antibiotics. Things got worst but my OB told me it didn't sound like a uterine infection after all and to stop the antibiotics and just take immodium. That stopped the diarrhea but not the terrible cramping that had accompanied it. I put up with it for almost 4 weeks, which looking back infuriates me. It felt a lot like what I had experienced in October so I asked my OB to refer me for an ultrasound so we could look at the fallopian tube again and possibly have it removed. The u/s (which was vaginal, btw...have mentioned that I had birthed a 9 pound baby from that very vagina 4 weeks earlier, so yeah that hurt like a mofo) showed what looked like retained placenta in my uterus but didn't even see my fallopian tube. They said I needed to wait a few weeks and get a repeat scan to be see if the placenta issue resolved itself. I felt so hopeless since they told me that the placenta would not cause the kind of pain I was experiencing and that maybe I should see a GI. So I went to my pcp the next day to get a referral. While there, I asked for a UTI test and low and behold it was positive. I thought I had my answer. Of course, I almost got mastitis from pumping and dumping for 24 hours when I started the antibiotic but that's not the focus of this post. I felt better. I looked forward to actually caring for my children and maybe even getting to enjoy my maternity leave. Unfortunately within a few days I felt bad again. I went back to my pcp and sure enough I had another UTI. I knew this was bad. No UTIs in 19 years and then 4 within one year made no sense whatsoever to me. So, luckily my pcp ordered a CT scan. I was so happy to finally be taken seriously.
So, I drank my Berry Flavored Berium, which sucked by the way, and had the CT scan on the Tuesday before Memorial Day weekend. My Dr called me only a few hours after the scan even though I was told to not expect a call for a few days. She told me that apparently the CT had shown retained placenta in my uterus (duh), and something in my colon that was either an abcess or gas. While I was happy it showed something, the idea that all of this pain was caused by me needing to fart was frustrating and beyond embarrassing. She told me I needed to repeat the scan that Thursday. Great. So, I went and got another two bottles of berry flavored berium and drank them. They did not taste any better than the first time around. I honestly thought about cancelling the appointment. I felt a bit better most of the day and figured if it was just gas, I could work on dealing with that....somehow. But I went anyway and actually by the time I got to the office the pain had come back as it did every day and was needing to breath through it like contractions by the time I went back for the scan. Basically the results were the same. My Dr said they wanted to do a 3rd scan but this time to do a rectal scan, which sounded fantastic! (for those of you reading this that don't know me that well, that is sarcasm) She told me we would schedule it after the weekend if I didn't feel better by then and suggested I try an enema to avoid the scan....so that Monday I finally worked up the nerve to do just that. And.....it didn't work. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
The pain continued that day and I finally decided I had had enough and drove myself to the ER (after checking the wait times on the website). They got me in quickly and got me some morphine (thankyouverymuch) and then did another ultrasound (vaginal....cue tears) and again talked about retained placenta, this time adding that there appeared to be an abcess near my ovary that could very well be causing my pain. I was admitted to the women and children unit (the cadillac of units at Fairfax Hospital) and scheduled for a D&C for the next day. My OB/GYN performed the D&C and informed me afterwards that there was not actually placenta in the uterus but some other tissue and that behind my uterus she found lots of blood that was concerning to her so she was consulting with a GI doctor....well, now that I think about it, she probably brought in the colorectal surgeon at that point if I remember correctly. It's weird how I thought I would never forget those days. I believe they quickly talked about the need for me to have a colonoscopy but were concerned I couldn't do it in the physical condition I was in at the time. They finally decided I would get a partial colonoscopy and therefore I had to be moved to the general surgical unit (the Yugo of units at Fairfax Hospital-- it is the unit that will be replaced when all of the renovations are done). I was moved Friday night and at 8:30 Saturday morning my OB called. When I answered the phone she said "oh, Susan. I thought I was calling Wes" That's when I knew I was fucked.
She asked me to call Wes and have him meet us at the hospital. I knew what she was going to say before she got there. The tissue in my uterus was cancerous. She did not believe I had uterine cancer, she believed the cells came from the colon. At this point my entire world view, comprehension of information, ability to think rationally went down the drain. At the time I thought the nurses on the unit must have hated me but I've since spent so much tme on that unit that I know I wasn't even close to being a really challenging patient. But I was not happy to be there and God help the nurse who had me the shift that I found out I was getting a roomate the same time I was expected to drink two gallons of "go lightly" which tastes like shit and makes you go anything but lightly, by the way. I had just found out I had cancer and now I needed to shit my brains out for 8-10 hours and I felt that having some privacy for this event was not too much to ask. I got the colonoscopy and a private room a week after being initially admitted to the hospital. The colonoscopy confirmed a tumor totally obstructing my colon and bulging outwards to my other organs. I got hooked up to TPN (which is basically an intravenous way of providing protein since I was not really eating at that point) which I would need to continue to have at home and was discharged that Wednesday for a few days while I awaited my surgery date to remove the tumor.
I went back to the hospital the following Monday (June 11) for my colon resection surgery. I knew I was also having at least a partial hysterectomy as well. The cancer had spread to my uterus and possibly both ovaries. Going in to surgery I had been given the option of having both ovaries removed regardless of the presence of cancerous cells (to decrease the chances of the cancer coming back or spreading there in the future). I had decided to take my chances and asked that they save one ovary if at all possible. Surgery was much more complicated than they had anticipated and I woke up in amazing pain and learned they had not been able to save either ovary.
Recovery was horrendous. The first day after surgery I was expected to get out of bed and walk three times. There was no way. I got out of bed and stood there for about 1 minute and that was hell. At this point most of our friends and family had learned of my diagnosis and were sending me messages telling me how I would beat this because I was so strong. I hated those messages. I felt like the weakest piece of poop (emotionally and physically) on the planet and was aggravated that either 1) people believed I was strong and were about to find out what a fraud I was or 2) were blowing smoke up my ass (no pun intended) because you just don't know what to say to a 39 year old with colon cancer. Now, I am of course thankful for those messages (and the continued encouragement) but they were really hard to hear, well, read at the time.
I was morbidly depressed and physically annihilated. Friends came and made me walk. I hated them at the time but they may have helped save my life. Nobody could get me to eat (this was completely new territory for me). Visitors got a real kick out of the sign above my bed reminding people "do not insert anything rectally".....people would seriously laugh out loud when they saw it. I found nothing remotely funny about directions regarding my rectum at the time. Everything about that stay was humiliating and demoralizing. I was miserable. Finally they gave me some antidepressants after tip toeing around the subject and me finally saying "hell yes, I'm depressed, please give me something". I was discharged a week after I was admitted, but if it was up to me, I would have stayed much longer. I dreaded facing the real world and was heartbroken to come to terms with what I was doing to my family.
Obviously this post has turned into something much bigger than I anticipated and I'm not sure if what I'm describing now can still be called the beginning. It was the beginning of my recovery, which was slow and terrible and included two return trips to the emergency room-- one accompanied by sirens in an ambulance. It was terrible to let my daughter see me so ill and I seriously can't believe how terrible I felt for weeks. It wasn't until the last few days of June, after I found out that the diagnosis was Stage IIB (I dreaded it was going to be stage 3 or possibly even 4) that I started to turn the corner and could eat. Once I started eating things got better fast....and now I wish my appetite was not so great as I have put back on almost 15 of the 70 pounds I initially lost. But that is incidental. Today, I am optimistic. Maybe even niaive-- the possibility that a PET scan in January will show cancer still exists in my body is not even a remote possibility to me. Sometimes I fear I am setting my expectations too high....but I can't go through the hell of chemo without believing it will be totally worth it.
Whew, sorry, this turned out a lot longer than I expected. It was a bit painful to write, hope it wasn't too painful to read. I know that when I got my diagnosis I scoured the internet for anyone like me with a similar diagnosis and experience so I feel an obligation to provide my experience should anyone else need the same. While I hope no one I know ever has this experience, unfortunately, it seems the odds may be against that so hopefully my story can at least help someone get diagnosed earlier and better know what to expect.
Time Flies When You're Having Fun
A colleague asked me today how many sessions of chemo I have had. I wasn't sure if it was 4 or 5. Not sure if that is an effect of chemo brain, just having so much going on in my life or something else but I was a bit surprised to not know the answer right off the top of my head. Apparently it is 5, which means at this time tomorrow I will be halfway done. Yes! It is going to feel really good....emotionally anyway, to be at the halfway mark. Physically, it will feel crummy, which I always get a bit depressed about the Tuesday before chemo. Just knowing that tomorrow will begin 5-7 days of feeling really crappy is a bit demoralizing....it's like the last day of vacation or the Sunday night blues that some people get. But, luckily I only have 6 more of these left. I can do this!
In other news, I have a bunch of other blog posts that I have started but haven't had time to finish that I will try to get up tonight. Specifically, I started chronicling all the symptoms, etc that got me here. Seems like a lifetime ago and it has been really interesting for me to "relive" that time. It's long and probably not really captivating reading unless you are one of those people who wonder about such things, but enough people have asked either out of plain curiosity or fear of their own symptoms, I thought I'd write about it. So, stay tuned.
In other news, I have a bunch of other blog posts that I have started but haven't had time to finish that I will try to get up tonight. Specifically, I started chronicling all the symptoms, etc that got me here. Seems like a lifetime ago and it has been really interesting for me to "relive" that time. It's long and probably not really captivating reading unless you are one of those people who wonder about such things, but enough people have asked either out of plain curiosity or fear of their own symptoms, I thought I'd write about it. So, stay tuned.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I'm With Stupid
Top Ten Ways You Know You Are Getting Dumber....
10. You realize when you have 4 miles worth of gas left in the tank (and you are 8 miles from home) that you don't have your wallet.
9. You can't remember simple words like "pen" and every conversation involves an impromptu game of $100,000 Pyramid :"something you write with, it's thin and has ink in it..."
8. You don't keep track of who you've sent birth announcements to or who you've invited to Brooks's Blessing so some people got two announcements and no invite and others got two invites and no announcements.
7. You- the one with neoropathy- go to the store to buy tissues for your constantly stuffed up/runny/bloody nose and somehow manage to buy tissues that are actually COLD. Seriously, they have something in them that makes them cold to the touch. Brilliant.
6. You leave the house with the keys to your husbands car in your purse.
5. You left another set of keys to your husbands car in the car, with doors unlocked.
4. You basically need GPS to get anywhere beyond your neighborhood at this point.
3. You don't get suspicious early enough when you don't hear your 3 year old for a solid ten minutes, only to find she has annihilated your chapstick collection, unravelled an entire container of dental floss, and squirted $45 face wash all over the handwoven rug your in-laws gave you.
2. You tell your husband you aren't going to spend any more money for a couple of months and then elect to have the receipt from an LL Bean shopping spree emailed....to his e-mail address.
And the #1 way you know you are getting dumber....you announce to the Facebook world that you are halfway done with chemo when in reality you have only completed 5, not 6 cycles.
Seriously, could I get any dumber?Unfortunately, from what I read, I just may. So for those of you keepng track, I am balding, have really jacked up feet, am getting fat again, and now I'm dumb too. Quite a prize. Quite a prize.
In my defense, I don't even know the word for pen, how can I be expected to count? Ugh! Definitely a tad discouraged but on the bright side, I can just recycle my "time flies" blog post in two weeks. I'll be sure to use that free time not getting a pedicure.
10. You realize when you have 4 miles worth of gas left in the tank (and you are 8 miles from home) that you don't have your wallet.
9. You can't remember simple words like "pen" and every conversation involves an impromptu game of $100,000 Pyramid :"something you write with, it's thin and has ink in it..."
8. You don't keep track of who you've sent birth announcements to or who you've invited to Brooks's Blessing so some people got two announcements and no invite and others got two invites and no announcements.
7. You- the one with neoropathy- go to the store to buy tissues for your constantly stuffed up/runny/bloody nose and somehow manage to buy tissues that are actually COLD. Seriously, they have something in them that makes them cold to the touch. Brilliant.
6. You leave the house with the keys to your husbands car in your purse.
5. You left another set of keys to your husbands car in the car, with doors unlocked.
4. You basically need GPS to get anywhere beyond your neighborhood at this point.
3. You don't get suspicious early enough when you don't hear your 3 year old for a solid ten minutes, only to find she has annihilated your chapstick collection, unravelled an entire container of dental floss, and squirted $45 face wash all over the handwoven rug your in-laws gave you.
2. You tell your husband you aren't going to spend any more money for a couple of months and then elect to have the receipt from an LL Bean shopping spree emailed....to his e-mail address.
And the #1 way you know you are getting dumber....you announce to the Facebook world that you are halfway done with chemo when in reality you have only completed 5, not 6 cycles.
Seriously, could I get any dumber?Unfortunately, from what I read, I just may. So for those of you keepng track, I am balding, have really jacked up feet, am getting fat again, and now I'm dumb too. Quite a prize. Quite a prize.
In my defense, I don't even know the word for pen, how can I be expected to count? Ugh! Definitely a tad discouraged but on the bright side, I can just recycle my "time flies" blog post in two weeks. I'll be sure to use that free time not getting a pedicure.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Those are Some Big Shoes to Fill
Literally. Wes has some big shoes to fill. I know this because when I just went down to get Brooks a bottle (another topic that I will get to momentarily) and I stepped on the hardwoods on the main floor (in my bare feet) I was in immediate pain from the cold of the floor. I decided to power through it basically ran to the kitchen....which has tile floor....yowza! So I immediately ran back to the place where Wes and I constantly argue over him leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor and slipped a toasty warm, quite large Allen Edmonds loafer on my foot. You are probably wondering why a boy with such expensive taste in shoes would leave them haphazardly in the middle of the room? Good luck with that one, but for once out of 413 times I was happy they were there. I was able to make the bottle (after freezing my hands off washing them in water that had not warmed up enough yet) and walk it up the stairs while wearing the shoes....a big no no in this house for a little girl who always has to be reminded she can't wear mommy's shoes down the stairs since they are too big....I guess now is the time to pull out the "do as I say,not as I do" card. And I suppose I need to order some new slippers.
So Brooks. Darn kid stopped sleeping through the night. During a chemo week. I really do think he's teething and I guess most kids wake up at least once when teething but um, we're tired, so knock it off. You spoiled us for two months and we are not willing to go back to the way it was before that. You know, when you cried and Daddy got up and changed and fed you and mommy slept or maybe woke up but didn't remember it because she takes ambien, but the mommy felt guilty the next day. Mommy was raised Irish Catholic, she doesn't need any more guilt. So what do you say to sleeping through the night again, ok sweet boy? Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.
Otherwise, I have insomnia and a headache. Tomorrow is going to suck. Before cancer there was simply not enough of me to go around to all the meetings we have and handle the other functions of my job, and now that I am in essence working a reduced schedule, it's pretty stressful. And I feel crummy for 10 days a month, so it is effecting my self esteem a bit. I take pride in my work and have fairly high standards for my staff so this has been a huge lesson in not sweating the small stuff....which is made easier by the fact that our job has very little small stuff. We usually have insane fires to put out or significant program overhauls that needed to be implemented yesterday. But at least I'm not sweating the small stuff, whatever that is.
So Brooks. Darn kid stopped sleeping through the night. During a chemo week. I really do think he's teething and I guess most kids wake up at least once when teething but um, we're tired, so knock it off. You spoiled us for two months and we are not willing to go back to the way it was before that. You know, when you cried and Daddy got up and changed and fed you and mommy slept or maybe woke up but didn't remember it because she takes ambien, but the mommy felt guilty the next day. Mommy was raised Irish Catholic, she doesn't need any more guilt. So what do you say to sleeping through the night again, ok sweet boy? Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.
Otherwise, I have insomnia and a headache. Tomorrow is going to suck. Before cancer there was simply not enough of me to go around to all the meetings we have and handle the other functions of my job, and now that I am in essence working a reduced schedule, it's pretty stressful. And I feel crummy for 10 days a month, so it is effecting my self esteem a bit. I take pride in my work and have fairly high standards for my staff so this has been a huge lesson in not sweating the small stuff....which is made easier by the fact that our job has very little small stuff. We usually have insane fires to put out or significant program overhauls that needed to be implemented yesterday. But at least I'm not sweating the small stuff, whatever that is.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
One Third of the Way Done
Just finished my fourth chemo treatment, only 8 more to go! This will be a short blog post because I am on my phone and my fingers are not cooperating at all...I guess a form of the neuropathy? Actually, it is really bad so I think that is all for now. Hopefully I can post better tonight from the laptop, we'll see.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Chemo Sucks
I've decided I hate chemo. I know how lucky I am to be able to even have the option of chemo and most likely it is going to save my life....but as Wes likes to remind me, I'm probably already cancer free from the surgery so it is just a really inconvenient, expensive and exhausting insurance policy at this point. If I weren't doing chemo, I would most likely feel so much better (yes, I'd have a greater chance of the cancer not being gone or having it come back, but that is logic speaking and this post has no room for rational thinking, this post is about emotions...and possibly pity). If I didn't have to do chemo I wouldn't get nose bleeds every day, I wouldn't wake up to new bizarre or even scary symptoms that I need to google at 5:11 am to see if I need to panic or wait until the oncologist office opens to call them, I could go places without having to have 6 room temperature water bottles in tow since nowhere actually has room temperature water, I could have a predictable schedule that would allow me greater productivity at work and maybe even a vacation at some point, etc. etc.
I know I need to do it and relatively speaking the side effects are really minimal. I'm blessed to have an understanding employer and staff and to have health insurance that leaves me only moderately broke after the thrice weekly co-pays (and bizarre additional balances that seem to keep showing up). I am also lucky to have the help at home that I have for those days (that seem to just pop up with no rhyme or reason) when I feel like crap and basically go to bed before my kids.
I was actually excited to start chemo so I could put this whole cancer nightmare behind me, and believe me, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and empowerment with each treatment I finish. As much as I hate chemo, the thought of having to delay another treatment is terrifying to me. I need to be active in kicking cancer's ass and stupid chemo is the only tool in my toolbox right now, so.....I guess it's a love-hate relationship at this point.
Wednesday was a crappy day. I was sure I was getting pneumonia from the pain in my chest and weezing but yesterday that was gone and I actually got some good stuff accomplished at work. However, today is gearing up to suck with some unique new symptoms that I won't get into right now....I'm worried it could be an indicator of something that will make them postpone chemo again. I guess that's life and honestly, 8 weeks ago, I wasn't sure I would be here for 6 months to bitch about chemo, so I have to keep reminding myself how it truly is a "blessing and a curse", but mostly blessing. Luckily the weekend is here and I think I can drink cold stuff again (until Wednesday) and that means a McDonald's Mocha Frappe is in my near future. So for now, that will have to do
I know I need to do it and relatively speaking the side effects are really minimal. I'm blessed to have an understanding employer and staff and to have health insurance that leaves me only moderately broke after the thrice weekly co-pays (and bizarre additional balances that seem to keep showing up). I am also lucky to have the help at home that I have for those days (that seem to just pop up with no rhyme or reason) when I feel like crap and basically go to bed before my kids.
I was actually excited to start chemo so I could put this whole cancer nightmare behind me, and believe me, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and empowerment with each treatment I finish. As much as I hate chemo, the thought of having to delay another treatment is terrifying to me. I need to be active in kicking cancer's ass and stupid chemo is the only tool in my toolbox right now, so.....I guess it's a love-hate relationship at this point.
Wednesday was a crappy day. I was sure I was getting pneumonia from the pain in my chest and weezing but yesterday that was gone and I actually got some good stuff accomplished at work. However, today is gearing up to suck with some unique new symptoms that I won't get into right now....I'm worried it could be an indicator of something that will make them postpone chemo again. I guess that's life and honestly, 8 weeks ago, I wasn't sure I would be here for 6 months to bitch about chemo, so I have to keep reminding myself how it truly is a "blessing and a curse", but mostly blessing. Luckily the weekend is here and I think I can drink cold stuff again (until Wednesday) and that means a McDonald's Mocha Frappe is in my near future. So for now, that will have to do
Friday, August 24, 2012
New hair
Since I will never blow dry it and it will never look like this again, here it is. The hair dresser lifted my spirits by gushing about how much hair I have (which I hear a lot but since lately I feel like I'm balding, it was nice to still hear it). She also asked me if I color my hair myself which, since it is my natural color (just a lot more blonde than it was when I was younger) always makes me feel good.
Hope this post and picture don't come off as too self absorbed, but it felt good to have some time just for me and some compliments.
Hope this post and picture don't come off as too self absorbed, but it felt good to have some time just for me and some compliments.
Splitting Hairs
I'm currently sitting in the parking lot of Red Door. I've had it with my hair falling out and I'm going to get it cut short. My particular regimen is supposed to only cause "hair thinning" but the clumps that fall out daily are more than thinning. It is really gross. Of course, I had a baby 4 months ago and it's pretty common to lose hair around this time post-partum too so, I've been trying to wait it out and see if it gets better but...I'm so tired of not being able to wear it down (if I don't have it in a bun or pony tail, the clumps of hair will be all over me all day long). So, I'm going for it. Wes has cautioned me to not "pull a Miley Cyrus", but I'm so out of touch, I don't even know what that means. I plan to "pull a Katie Holmes" from a few years ago, when I had time to read Us Weekly.
Speaking of being tired... I am done with chemo treatment number 3... A quarter of the way done- yay! And yawn. So stinking exhausted. I'm also pretty nauseous today and earlier at work the air conditioning was on so high that my hands went completely numb. I could not even type. So, that sucked. I will have to remember to bring gloves next week. I got my Nulesta shot today, which may cause chest and hip pain.... Fun.
So, that is where things are today. Maybe I will post a picture of the hair later on. I feel like I sound pretty down and I'm really not, I'm just totally wiped out. And to use the cliche, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But, I know it could be worse, and the weekend is here, so that is good.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Speaking of being tired... I am done with chemo treatment number 3... A quarter of the way done- yay! And yawn. So stinking exhausted. I'm also pretty nauseous today and earlier at work the air conditioning was on so high that my hands went completely numb. I could not even type. So, that sucked. I will have to remember to bring gloves next week. I got my Nulesta shot today, which may cause chest and hip pain.... Fun.
So, that is where things are today. Maybe I will post a picture of the hair later on. I feel like I sound pretty down and I'm really not, I'm just totally wiped out. And to use the cliche, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But, I know it could be worse, and the weekend is here, so that is good.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Why Doesn't Chemo Kill Fat Cells?
So much for my cancer wait loss plan. I've gained three pounds in a week! How did that happen? Oh yeah, the brownie bites and Milky Way bars at work. Stupid work. So now I have to have cancer and be fat.
I'm not going to let that happen. If I have to have cancer, I should at least get to button up my jeans without having to lay flat on the bed. So, I need to lay off some of the crap and somehow figure out how to get some routine exercise in. You know, between having a three year old, a four month old, a full time job, and a completely unpredictable treatment schedule that takes 8+ hours out of every other week and makes me feel crummy for 5 days each cycle. But I will find a way. I'm not going to be bald, with no pedicures AND fat. So, it's on. If you see me with a brownie bite, you have permission to shame me....unless I look like I really need it, then you should step off.
I'm not going to let that happen. If I have to have cancer, I should at least get to button up my jeans without having to lay flat on the bed. So, I need to lay off some of the crap and somehow figure out how to get some routine exercise in. You know, between having a three year old, a four month old, a full time job, and a completely unpredictable treatment schedule that takes 8+ hours out of every other week and makes me feel crummy for 5 days each cycle. But I will find a way. I'm not going to be bald, with no pedicures AND fat. So, it's on. If you see me with a brownie bite, you have permission to shame me....unless I look like I really need it, then you should step off.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Good Tired
I'm tired. But unlike the tired I've experienced for much of the past year, today I'm really happy to be tired. Today I'm tired because I did more laundry and carting things up and down my stairs than I've done in months. Today I'm tired because I was out running errands with my family. Mundane things like buying onesies and sleep sacks. Today, for the first time in a long time, I'm tired not because I have cancer, but because I have a three year old and a three month old. In short, I feel good and I'm getting my life back. And when you've had to rely on others to fold your laundry, change your baby's diapers and prepare your meals for over three months, mundane family life feels pretty awesome.
In other news, I had my first McDonalds Mocha Frappe yesterday. How have I made it this long without trying one of these?! Delicious. So much better than a Starbucks Frappacino (?), much cheaper, AND always available via drive thru. Thank goodness I can only tolerate cold beverages about 10 days a month (due to my chemo) or I would definitely be 400 pounds by Christmas.
Of course, this is a chemo week, so "feeling crappy tired" is just around the corner, but I'll deal with that on Wednesday.
In other news, I had my first McDonalds Mocha Frappe yesterday. How have I made it this long without trying one of these?! Delicious. So much better than a Starbucks Frappacino (?), much cheaper, AND always available via drive thru. Thank goodness I can only tolerate cold beverages about 10 days a month (due to my chemo) or I would definitely be 400 pounds by Christmas.
Of course, this is a chemo week, so "feeling crappy tired" is just around the corner, but I'll deal with that on Wednesday.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Cycle 2 Day 2
Had I written this directly after chemo yesterday it would have focused solely on how blessed I was feeling. I opted to walk up the four stories to the lab instead of taking the elevator, and other than being a little winded, the fact that I could do it considering where I was 4 weeks ago feels like a miracle in itself. When I arrived in the lab I was immediately struck by how packed it was. There are about 7-8 bays with 4 chairs each in them and it looked like all of them were full. They got me in a little after my appointment time and while I waited it occurred to me (through extremely brief glances upward as in chemo labs, as it is on the metro-- the unwritten rule is don't make eye contact) how sick so many of the people there looked. Yes, most of them were significantly older than me, but they still have people who need them and things they want to do with their lives. Fucking cancer. While I was there they actually had to call an ambulance for someone, it was scary and sobering. The past several days, I have felt pretty good. I'm back at work and while I am worn out by 8 pm, I think it is really good for me. Wes, Garrison and I actually had a dance party Tuesday night, something I haven't participated in in months. I am starting to be able to picture my life post cancer and it is so exciting.
But by 6 pm last night, I was feeling the effects of the chemo. I had terrible eye twitches and blurriness that lasted until I went to sleep, but seem to be gone now. It was really annoying. I also had a hard time with my hands, numbness maybe? I had to write a check for Garrison's tuition and it was hard to do...my handwriting looked totally different. But they seem to be fine now, too. The mouth/jaw pain that I experienced last time and kept me from eating for two days is back, but I've found that if I power through the first two bites, I can finish the meal with tolerable pain, but the first two bites are excruciating. And then it happens again for the next meal. Also, the neuropathy is worse than last time. I took a casserole out of the fridge and barely got it to the counter it hurt my fingers so much. Rozanne brought me some gloves to keep hooked on the fridge for future endeavors. I was at the Nordstroms restroom yesterday and after washing my hands I went to use the Dyson hand dryer and it was painfully cold, so I had to use paper towels, sorry global warming...But the worst part (so far) of the neuropathy is helping G wash her hands. She doesn't want to use hot water and I can't use cold (we're like Jack Sprat and his wife, I guess). Luckily, she is awesome and when I told her I couldn't help her, she did it all by herself, hopefully it isn't a fluke! This morning I've got a headache and my face is flushed but otherwise, feel ok. I'm at work and hope the steroids won't wear off until tonight. I got a cute Vera Bradley bag to put my pump in and it is much more comfortable than the one they give me in the lab. So, all in all, doing ok.
10 more to go.
But by 6 pm last night, I was feeling the effects of the chemo. I had terrible eye twitches and blurriness that lasted until I went to sleep, but seem to be gone now. It was really annoying. I also had a hard time with my hands, numbness maybe? I had to write a check for Garrison's tuition and it was hard to do...my handwriting looked totally different. But they seem to be fine now, too. The mouth/jaw pain that I experienced last time and kept me from eating for two days is back, but I've found that if I power through the first two bites, I can finish the meal with tolerable pain, but the first two bites are excruciating. And then it happens again for the next meal. Also, the neuropathy is worse than last time. I took a casserole out of the fridge and barely got it to the counter it hurt my fingers so much. Rozanne brought me some gloves to keep hooked on the fridge for future endeavors. I was at the Nordstroms restroom yesterday and after washing my hands I went to use the Dyson hand dryer and it was painfully cold, so I had to use paper towels, sorry global warming...But the worst part (so far) of the neuropathy is helping G wash her hands. She doesn't want to use hot water and I can't use cold (we're like Jack Sprat and his wife, I guess). Luckily, she is awesome and when I told her I couldn't help her, she did it all by herself, hopefully it isn't a fluke! This morning I've got a headache and my face is flushed but otherwise, feel ok. I'm at work and hope the steroids won't wear off until tonight. I got a cute Vera Bradley bag to put my pump in and it is much more comfortable than the one they give me in the lab. So, all in all, doing ok.
10 more to go.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Cycle 1 day 2
This post is more for my benefit to keep track of symptoms than to update anyone, but others dealing with chemo may find it helpful as well.
Yesterday I had the occasional feeling of "broken glass" in my throat when I drank room temperature water and washing my hands felt funny. It wasn't painful but the water definitely felt colder than it was. The biggest issue I had, starting last night was a pain in my cheeks when I tried to eat. It was like eating something severely sour that hurt my cheeks so badly I had to apply pressure to them to finish chewing whatever I took a bite of. The first bite was a brownie so I thought it had too much sugar but then I tried with a piece of bread also and the same thing happened. This morning I was able to eat some lasagna with little issue (which I find odd due to acidity in the sauce, though there wasn't much sauce). I also had no problem with a mozzarella string cheese but dry golden Graham's were very painful.
Otherwise, I am pretty worn out right now. Too tired to make my trip to Vera Bradley,so that's pretty tired. I'm assuming the steroid has worn off and I'm feeling the effect of that. I usually can't nap during the day but I'm going to try. This is my last weekday of my maternity leave- back to work Monday....yawn.
Yesterday I had the occasional feeling of "broken glass" in my throat when I drank room temperature water and washing my hands felt funny. It wasn't painful but the water definitely felt colder than it was. The biggest issue I had, starting last night was a pain in my cheeks when I tried to eat. It was like eating something severely sour that hurt my cheeks so badly I had to apply pressure to them to finish chewing whatever I took a bite of. The first bite was a brownie so I thought it had too much sugar but then I tried with a piece of bread also and the same thing happened. This morning I was able to eat some lasagna with little issue (which I find odd due to acidity in the sauce, though there wasn't much sauce). I also had no problem with a mozzarella string cheese but dry golden Graham's were very painful.
Otherwise, I am pretty worn out right now. Too tired to make my trip to Vera Bradley,so that's pretty tired. I'm assuming the steroid has worn off and I'm feeling the effect of that. I usually can't nap during the day but I'm going to try. This is my last weekday of my maternity leave- back to work Monday....yawn.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
First Chemo Treatment
It's been a while since I've posted and luckily my mood has improved significantly. I finally started eating about two weeks ago and have re-gained a lot of strength (and about 10 of the 70 pounds I lost). I got confirmation that the cancer is stage IIB so I feel much more optimistic. Of course, I am still obsessive and neurotic about it....but I have hope and that is good for the soul and the psyche.
So today was my first chemo treatment. I read a lot about what to expect and went to a chemo class last week so I was as prepared as you can be for a person in my situation. Which still means I was scared shitless. But....it was ok. In the chair for about three hours and then sent home with a pump for 46 hours. It's only been a few hours but I already have a terrible taste in my mouth and a headache. I am also sweating like crazy....but it is 100 degrees out, so who knows if that is a side effect or not. Unfortunately, I cant take a shower while I have the pump so, sorry to everyone I may encounter. They give me stuff to combat nausea so I am hoping that won't be a major issue but we'll see. Every once in a while my stomach feels funny but I'm hoping that is just nerves. Otherwise I am dreading not being able to eat or drink anything cold for several days. I also hear the neuropathy (numbness/pain/cold sensitivity in the fingers and feet) is pretty bad, but it is a more cumulative symptom, so hopefully it won't be too bad for a while.
So, I have the pump and am just taking it easy for right now. I'm hoping I will feel well enough to go to Vera Bradley tomorrow to get a cute bag to put my pump in (as well as a matching bag for Garrison). We have a busy weekend of kids' and grown up birthday parties so I hope my energy stays up but if not, Wes will have to fly solo.
So today was my first chemo treatment. I read a lot about what to expect and went to a chemo class last week so I was as prepared as you can be for a person in my situation. Which still means I was scared shitless. But....it was ok. In the chair for about three hours and then sent home with a pump for 46 hours. It's only been a few hours but I already have a terrible taste in my mouth and a headache. I am also sweating like crazy....but it is 100 degrees out, so who knows if that is a side effect or not. Unfortunately, I cant take a shower while I have the pump so, sorry to everyone I may encounter. They give me stuff to combat nausea so I am hoping that won't be a major issue but we'll see. Every once in a while my stomach feels funny but I'm hoping that is just nerves. Otherwise I am dreading not being able to eat or drink anything cold for several days. I also hear the neuropathy (numbness/pain/cold sensitivity in the fingers and feet) is pretty bad, but it is a more cumulative symptom, so hopefully it won't be too bad for a while.
So, I have the pump and am just taking it easy for right now. I'm hoping I will feel well enough to go to Vera Bradley tomorrow to get a cute bag to put my pump in (as well as a matching bag for Garrison). We have a busy weekend of kids' and grown up birthday parties so I hope my energy stays up but if not, Wes will have to fly solo.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Like Father, Like Daughter
During the past several weeks of various hospital stays I've noticed how similar many of my mannerisms, behaviors, and gestures are to my Dad's when he was in the hospital. For example, often when he would lay in the bed, he would stretch one or even both arms up or across the bed to grasp the guard rails. I do the same thing and find it helps me be less uncomfortable. Maybe everyone does this, but I don't think so, it looks strange, like we're almost afraid of falling out of the sky, when that would be impossible. Yesterday, in my ambulance ride, the medic shared that his sister had the same birthday as me. I was in a great deal of pain, yet I was compelled to add that it was also Johnny Carson's birthday. One of those pointless old people facts that only my Dad (and I) would care to share. The medic looked at me like "who the hell is that"....20 somethings know who Johnny Carson is, right?
Anyway. Certainly these past weeks have made me think about my Dad a great deal. He died of prostate cancer last year and we spent much of his last 8 weeks in the hospital. I believe I was a dutiful and compassionate daughter to him during that time, but knowing what I know now, I'd do a lot of things differently. I would have asked him a lot more about his feelings. He must have been scared, he probably had words of advice to share or loose ends to tie up. We just didn't want to believe it was the end.
I miss him. But I don't want to be with him yet. I hope he can pull some strings up there and let me stick around to watch my babies grow up.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Double S Wes
I originally wrote this post several weeks ago when I was still quite sick. Luckily a lot has changed since then,but Wes still rocks and deserves at least some recognition of that. After all now that I am feeling better, I have more energy to bitch so this is a good reminder for all of us.
I am currently listening to my husband, Wes, give Garrison a shower. It is after bedtime, yet she hasn't even had dinner yet. They've now moved from the shower to G's bedroom where the nightly negotiations over what outfit will be worn (Garrison is simply too special for pajamas, she puts together a complete ensemble each night), followed by the "pull up power struggle"....we want one, she doesn't. Daddy usually gives in, results vary.
I, of course, am not helping. Well that isn't entirely true. I'd like to take credit for pulling the trump card that actually got her in the shower and yelling it from bed, "you can't go to school tomorrow if you don't take a shower". When I'm healthy, I think those types of "saves" are some of my greatest strengths as a mom. No one is more surprised than me at how I've been able to win a fierce battle with a two year old with some bologna that just comes out of my mouth. But this post isn't about me. It's about Double S, Daddy,Wes. A man asked to juggle more than most people ever will, stressful job, newborn son, 3 year old daughter, a mother and a mother in law who take turns helping out but rarely get along, oh and me....a pain in the ass enough before cancer but now I can't even adequately describe how I am probably viewed by him....loved would be first, I know. He is heartbroken over this situation for sure. But there has to be some bitterness for what I might do to our family....for what I'm already doing:it is 8:35 pm and my kid is just now eating her fucking dinner while I've been home all day! I hate that! He isn't nearly the asshole that I am so he understands I am too weak to get out of bed. But, it has to be frustrating....the answer is food, so I need to eat and get healthy so I can move on to the next phase of recovery. But I can't eat. So he brings me plain penne pasta in hopes it is the magic dish I can stomach....so far so good.
Tonight he will get up and feed Brooks, maybe once, maybe twice. And depending on how the "pull up power struggle" resolves prior to bed, there may be wet sheets he'll need to change. He'll hit the snooze way too many times (a habit I hated until this week and now I pray I will be annoyed by those extra snoozes for decades to come), feed Brooks again and help Garrison get ready for school, all with minimal help from me.
He's a saint...usually. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I hope to pay him back someday (and for years to come)....his preferred currency is sporting event tickets, beer, and something cooked in a smoker....
I am currently listening to my husband, Wes, give Garrison a shower. It is after bedtime, yet she hasn't even had dinner yet. They've now moved from the shower to G's bedroom where the nightly negotiations over what outfit will be worn (Garrison is simply too special for pajamas, she puts together a complete ensemble each night), followed by the "pull up power struggle"....we want one, she doesn't. Daddy usually gives in, results vary.
I, of course, am not helping. Well that isn't entirely true. I'd like to take credit for pulling the trump card that actually got her in the shower and yelling it from bed, "you can't go to school tomorrow if you don't take a shower". When I'm healthy, I think those types of "saves" are some of my greatest strengths as a mom. No one is more surprised than me at how I've been able to win a fierce battle with a two year old with some bologna that just comes out of my mouth. But this post isn't about me. It's about Double S, Daddy,Wes. A man asked to juggle more than most people ever will, stressful job, newborn son, 3 year old daughter, a mother and a mother in law who take turns helping out but rarely get along, oh and me....a pain in the ass enough before cancer but now I can't even adequately describe how I am probably viewed by him....loved would be first, I know. He is heartbroken over this situation for sure. But there has to be some bitterness for what I might do to our family....for what I'm already doing:it is 8:35 pm and my kid is just now eating her fucking dinner while I've been home all day! I hate that! He isn't nearly the asshole that I am so he understands I am too weak to get out of bed. But, it has to be frustrating....the answer is food, so I need to eat and get healthy so I can move on to the next phase of recovery. But I can't eat. So he brings me plain penne pasta in hopes it is the magic dish I can stomach....so far so good.
Tonight he will get up and feed Brooks, maybe once, maybe twice. And depending on how the "pull up power struggle" resolves prior to bed, there may be wet sheets he'll need to change. He'll hit the snooze way too many times (a habit I hated until this week and now I pray I will be annoyed by those extra snoozes for decades to come), feed Brooks again and help Garrison get ready for school, all with minimal help from me.
He's a saint...usually. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I hope to pay him back someday (and for years to come)....his preferred currency is sporting event tickets, beer, and something cooked in a smoker....
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Home Sweet Home
Even though this is my first post on this blog, I'm not going to start at the beginning. Most of you know the beginning and if you don't, well, there's time for that later.
*disclaimer.....I'm not a blogger and I'm not technologically savvy so, bear with me as I learn blog etiquette and formatting skills.
I came home from the hospital yesterday. Since then I've been greeted with multiple Facebook and text messages welcoming me home adding how thrilled I must be to be home with my babies. I'm not.
Being home, while quieter and more comfortable than a hospital, serves as a reminder of all I can't do to care for my children, how very little I even know about my 2 month old son, Brooks, and gives me a glimpse of what life for my family would be like without me.
For those of you who haven't jumped off a ledge yet from my uplifting first blog post..... I do love seeing my babies. They are my life. I fought like hell to bring them into this world. Most importantly, I am so blessed that I have family and friends who could help Wes with the kids, help Brooks develop into the strong baby he already is becoming, and in the long run, if the worst were to happen, I know my family would go on, thrive even, surrounded by people who love and support them.
I just really want to be there too.
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