The Final Countdown ....

Da da Da da, dadadadada

I am hooked up to my chemo drip for (hopefully) the last time ever. I was warned it might be a little strange when I went for my last session and, well, it was.  We'll see how Friday goes since that is really my last day but I think the bottom line is that I am not going to feel done or *free* or less terrified until I see that PET scan and unfortunately, I may have a while before I can do that.  Don't get me wrong, life "chemo free" is going to bring me a great deal of happiness.  I am going to feel like I have so much more energy and time on my hands.  I'm really looking forward to using that time and energy wisely. 

I am fully expecting the PET scan to come back clear, but sometimes there is a voice in my head that spews statistics (which is really weird when you consider how bad I was at statistics in college)  and the fear comes back.  I get scared that decreasing my dose of chemo will make it not all be gone.  What if I wasn't strong enough to handle the amount of medicine I needed to fight this thing??  Some people might say this type of thinking in not productive and I agree that blaming myself is not fair....but I do feel like I need to prepare myself for the fact that there is a chance I will not be "NED" (no evidence of disease).  Hopefully that won't happen and I never have to see that freaking chemo lab or the truly wonderful people who work there and get treated there ever again.   As I've said from the beginning, I haven't really had a choice to do chemo, work full time, raise kids, be a wife, etc. so I'm not necessarily proud of "accomplishing" anything....believe me, if I wasn't scared of dying, I would have quit chemo at session 8. But I am still generally happy to have made it to the end.  And I think I did it with some grace and dignity, whcn I was feeling up to it ; )  Luckily last session was decent.  Unfortunately, I feel kind of crummy already this time around.  Guess that is the crapshoot that is chemo.

So at this time on Friday, I will be done.  Hopefully I will feel ok, but even if I don't, I know it will be the last time I have to feel like that so I will suck it up.  I will probably update after the weekend again and then I'll be back when radiation is about to start.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!