Chemo Sucks

I've decided I hate chemo.  I know how lucky I am to be able to even have the option of chemo and most likely it is going to save my life....but as Wes likes to remind me, I'm probably already cancer free from the surgery so it is just a really inconvenient, expensive and exhausting insurance policy at this point.  If I weren't doing chemo, I would most likely feel so much better (yes, I'd have a greater chance of the cancer not being gone or having it come back, but that is logic speaking and this post has no room for rational thinking, this post is about emotions...and possibly pity).  If I didn't have to do chemo I wouldn't get nose bleeds every day, I wouldn't wake up to new bizarre or even scary symptoms that I need to google at 5:11 am to see if I need to panic or wait until the oncologist office opens to call them, I could go places without having to have 6 room temperature water bottles in tow since nowhere actually has room temperature water, I could have a predictable schedule that would allow me greater productivity at work and maybe even a vacation at some point, etc. etc. 

I know I need to do it and relatively speaking the side effects are really minimal.  I'm blessed to have an understanding employer and staff and to have health insurance that leaves me only moderately broke after the thrice weekly co-pays (and bizarre additional balances that seem to keep showing up).  I am also lucky to have the help at home that I have for those days (that seem to just pop up with no rhyme or reason) when I feel like crap and basically go to bed before my kids. 

I was actually excited to start chemo so I could put this whole cancer nightmare behind me, and believe me, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and empowerment with each treatment I finish. As much as I hate chemo, the thought of having to delay another treatment is terrifying to me.  I need to be active in kicking cancer's ass and stupid chemo is the only tool in my toolbox right now, so.....I guess it's a love-hate relationship at this point.

Wednesday was a crappy day.  I was sure I was getting pneumonia from the pain in my chest and weezing but yesterday that was gone and I actually got some good stuff accomplished at work.  However, today is gearing up to suck with some unique new symptoms that I won't get into right now....I'm worried it could be an indicator of something that will make them postpone chemo again.  I guess that's life and honestly, 8 weeks ago, I wasn't sure I would be here for 6 months to bitch about chemo, so I have to keep reminding myself how it truly is a "blessing and a curse", but mostly blessing.  Luckily the weekend is here and I think I can drink cold stuff again (until Wednesday) and that means a McDonald's Mocha Frappe is in my near future.  So for now, that will have to do