Dreams

I'm home sick from work today (not really sure what it wrong, the oncologist thinks it is a side effect from one of the chemo drugs but honestly I feel like I did before I was diagnosed so that is scary to me).  I just dosed off and had a dream where I was talking to my friend Kevin (who died in 9/11),  mid way through the conversation he asked me if I knew why I could talk to him.  It clearly hadn't occurred to me until right then and I asked if I was dead.  He said I wasn't but that it turned out I had Stage 5 Colon Cancer (which I don't even think exists, so you know that's bad, but it makes sense since I don't like to do things half assed....man there are a ton of colon cancer puns) and once "they decided you were going to die you were allowed to talk to dead people".  Cool....except for the about to die part.

Then I was at the kid's pediatrician's office and they told me I had to go into a special office and a doctor would watch the kids.  They told me I had Stage 5 cancer (which I already knew, thank you Kevin) and I needed to get my affairs in order.

Clearly it is one of those bizarre dreams but it really demonstrates my anxiety right now.  I worry I have another tumor, which would of course be terrible and seems unlikely or that the chemo is messing with me so bad that I am going to need to stop one of the meds and that means I don't throw 100% at getting cured, which is only slightly less terrible in my book. 

I'm better than I was yesterday but still feel pretty bad so if I don't improve tomorrow I will go back.  In the meantime I have about 50 people coming to my house for Brooks's blessing on Sunday and being sidelined is not helping me get ready or my anxiety level.  So, friends and family, don't judge....I just may have stage 5 colon cancer.