Like Father, Like Daughter

During the past several weeks of various hospital stays I've noticed how similar many of my mannerisms, behaviors, and gestures are to my Dad's when he was in the hospital.  For example, often when he would lay in the bed, he would stretch one or even both arms up or across the bed to grasp the guard rails.  I do the same thing and find it helps me be less uncomfortable.  Maybe everyone does this, but I don't think so, it looks strange, like we're almost afraid of falling out of the sky, when that would be impossible.  Yesterday, in my ambulance ride, the medic shared that his sister had the same birthday as me.  I was in a great deal of pain, yet I was compelled to add that it was also Johnny Carson's birthday.  One of those pointless old people facts that only my Dad (and I) would care to share.  The medic looked at me like "who the hell is that"....20 somethings know who Johnny Carson is, right?

Anyway.  Certainly these past weeks have made me think about my Dad a great deal.  He died of prostate cancer last year and we spent much of his last 8 weeks in the hospital.  I believe I was a dutiful and compassionate daughter to him during that time, but knowing what I know now, I'd do a lot of things differently.  I would have asked him a lot more about his feelings.  He must have been scared, he probably had words of advice to share or loose ends to tie up. We just didn't want to believe it was the end.

I miss him.  But I don't want to be with him yet.  I hope he can pull some strings up there and let me stick around to watch my babies grow up.