The Final Countdown ....

Da da Da da, dadadadada

I am hooked up to my chemo drip for (hopefully) the last time ever. I was warned it might be a little strange when I went for my last session and, well, it was.  We'll see how Friday goes since that is really my last day but I think the bottom line is that I am not going to feel done or *free* or less terrified until I see that PET scan and unfortunately, I may have a while before I can do that.  Don't get me wrong, life "chemo free" is going to bring me a great deal of happiness.  I am going to feel like I have so much more energy and time on my hands.  I'm really looking forward to using that time and energy wisely. 

I am fully expecting the PET scan to come back clear, but sometimes there is a voice in my head that spews statistics (which is really weird when you consider how bad I was at statistics in college)  and the fear comes back.  I get scared that decreasing my dose of chemo will make it not all be gone.  What if I wasn't strong enough to handle the amount of medicine I needed to fight this thing??  Some people might say this type of thinking in not productive and I agree that blaming myself is not fair....but I do feel like I need to prepare myself for the fact that there is a chance I will not be "NED" (no evidence of disease).  Hopefully that won't happen and I never have to see that freaking chemo lab or the truly wonderful people who work there and get treated there ever again.   As I've said from the beginning, I haven't really had a choice to do chemo, work full time, raise kids, be a wife, etc. so I'm not necessarily proud of "accomplishing" anything....believe me, if I wasn't scared of dying, I would have quit chemo at session 8. But I am still generally happy to have made it to the end.  And I think I did it with some grace and dignity, whcn I was feeling up to it ; )  Luckily last session was decent.  Unfortunately, I feel kind of crummy already this time around.  Guess that is the crapshoot that is chemo.

So at this time on Friday, I will be done.  Hopefully I will feel ok, but even if I don't, I know it will be the last time I have to feel like that so I will suck it up.  I will probably update after the weekend again and then I'll be back when radiation is about to start.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!

One More to Go!!!

I honestly can't believe I'm almost done with chemo. It's hard to explain as on the one hand, I had less than six months of chemo to do and I think we've all experienced how quickly six months can go. On the other hand, I had 12 cycles of chemo and got pretty sick, run down, in pain with almost every one, which made it feel like I would never get through. Cycles 9 and 10 were so hard I was seriously taking anxiety meds in preparation for number 11....and then.....nothing. This was possibly the easiest cycle I've had, including the first one and side effects are definitely supposed to be cumulative. I have no idea why I didn't have migraines, vomiting, debilitating exhaustion, though the neurotic in me is of course worried they didn't give me the right meds or dose. They show me everything they give me, but how do I know there wasn't some Kramer-esque mix up in the lab and I wound up with dextrose instead of 5-fu or Oxi. Yes, one of my chemo drugs is called 5- fu. I find it appropriate. Sometimes while I'm hurling into my trash can I find myself saying F U, fu. Not really but, I could say that. But now I only have one more opportunity to say that!! Of course, after this last cycle I'm hoping for another easy go of it, but if I need to take one on the chin and go out with a blaze of chemo induced glory then that is what I'll do. I've got a med cabinet full of anti-nausea meds that need to be used up before they expire. Bring it!

Alas I won't be completely done when I get disconnected on the 28th. I go in for my pre-radiation appointment on the 10th and then I should start radiation about two weeks after that. I will go in 5 days a week for 5 weeks but should be able to work and the side effects (if not the risks) are much less than chemo. I'm disappointed that my finish line has been pushed back, but I know I have to do everything I can to beat this thing...so...I'm doing radiation.

Hope everyone is having a happy and healthy holiday season.

Some Perspective

I'm sitting in the chemo lab getting IV fluids, like I do each Friday after chemo, and watching the most horrific thing I've seen in years. A shooting at a Connecticut Elementary school where at least 18 children, most likely kindergardners have been killed. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of what they went through. I want to go grab Garrison and never let her out of my sight.

I was all set to post about me and how chemo is going but, screw me. Chemo is fine (it actually seems to be taking it easy on me this time), but cancer seems like such small potatoes when you compare it to losing your baby. I pray these families can find peace, I have no idea how you go on. I suppose if you have other children, you go on for them but I can't fathom the pain....and I think I know a bit about pain.