I am not a Wimp!

Repeat until I believe it. I have run two marathons but this chemo is killing me...hopefully not literally. I have been stuck in bed and sick as a dog all weekend. I think I'm a victim of the perfect storm trifecta, a bad reaction to my flu shot Tuesday plus a bad reaction to chemo on Wednesday and a cold from hell. The good news is that I'm not going to feel fat when I turn 40 this week.

Ugh, I hate to have this blog be filled with me bitching. I really wanted it to serve as inspiration for others and not to scare you but this is getting hard. I hate that i know other people who have handled this treatment much more gracefully than me. I'm actually considering going back on disability at least part time. I think working full time is just too much for me right now. I wanted to be a rockstar but I just don't have it in me. Maybe I'll feel differently when I finally feel better and can eat something but the past month hasn't given me much of a break so I'm not too sure. I know I will feel better when I'm done but that seems like such a long haul with how I feel right now. It really does remind me of the Marine Corps marathon when you reach the 14th street bridge (and realize how steep it is) and you want to quit...but you know Crystal City is right around the corner and it is FLAT! I just need to keep running....or at least walking.

In an effort to not be a total Debbie Downer, I'm going to be 40 on Tuesday. There was a period in June when I wasn't sure I would see 40, so that's a good thing. Other than having cancer, I feel pretty good about where my life is at 40, and since this cancer thing is a totally temporary pain in the ass, I'd say that's pretty good.

NOW I'm half way done.

Well, I will be in about an hour or so.  I'm currently hooked up for my 6th session.  My counts yesterday weren't great but my doctor was resistant to putting things on hold as "we are at a critical point in treatment", a philosophy which I approve of, but I have to admit I don't feel well.  My general "Tuesday before chemo boost" was non existent yesterday and today I actually slept the first two hours of treatment, something I've never done.  I am really wiped out and can't quite seem to get ahead of feeling crummy.  Oh well.  6 more sessions.  I know I will probably feel worse before I feel better but....I can do this.

For those of you who read the last post but haven't been updated, luckily I don't have Stage 5 cancer.  The pain I experienced got incredibly bad on Tuesday and my stupid oncologist office wouldn't return my calls so I ended up in the emergency room on Wednesday.  Got another CT scan (I believe this is my 7th) and found out I had colitis.  Basically an infection of the colon.  Not sure if it was chemo related (that is what my Dr thinks) or viral (what my nurse thinks) but luckily, it seems to be gone now, but it wiped me out.  I didn't eat most of the week but felt decent just in time for Brooksie's blessing on Sunday.  Unfortunately he had really bad eczema that day but it was so wonderful to have so many friends and family come to our home to show their love and support for him.  It really means so much to us to have such amazing people in our lives and the lives of our children.  I've got a couple of my favorite shots from the day.

I'm making my list of all the things I look forward to doing when cancer and chemo don't rule my life.  #1 is actually getting up with Brooks overnight (though I really hope he isn't still waking up overnight by the time I'm done).  I just feel so bad for Wes and believe it or not, I think I'm the more patient of the two of us when it comes to overnight waking up. He gets so frustrated and doesn't remember G did similar things.  How can you get frustrated at this sweet face?? Unfortunately, I just can't help much right now.  I'm so exhausted as it is and being more tired puts me at more risk of getting more random illnesses.  But I look forward to being a more active parent first and foremost when this hell is over.  I can think of several other things to add but I'll save those for future posts.

So, guess that's it for now.  Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support.  Looking forward to paying you all back (with drinks and friendship-- not prayers for being sick!) asap. 

In non-cancer news Garrison dropped her first "s bomb" today.  Seriously cannot believe it took this long since she does ride in the car with me quite a lot and that is where I use some of my most colorful language.  I realized the house alarm was on and I didn't have my key fob to turn it off so I had to run to the office to do it on the key pad (I don't think I said any bad words) but when G asked Nana what happened and she told her the alarm was on, she said "oh shit".  Love that kid.  So for those keeping track, I have thinning hair, jacked up feet, getting fat again, I'm dumb as a rock, and I have a kid who talks like a sailor....but I guess I can't blame chemo for that one.