Chemo Sucks

I've decided I hate chemo.  I know how lucky I am to be able to even have the option of chemo and most likely it is going to save my life....but as Wes likes to remind me, I'm probably already cancer free from the surgery so it is just a really inconvenient, expensive and exhausting insurance policy at this point.  If I weren't doing chemo, I would most likely feel so much better (yes, I'd have a greater chance of the cancer not being gone or having it come back, but that is logic speaking and this post has no room for rational thinking, this post is about emotions...and possibly pity).  If I didn't have to do chemo I wouldn't get nose bleeds every day, I wouldn't wake up to new bizarre or even scary symptoms that I need to google at 5:11 am to see if I need to panic or wait until the oncologist office opens to call them, I could go places without having to have 6 room temperature water bottles in tow since nowhere actually has room temperature water, I could have a predictable schedule that would allow me greater productivity at work and maybe even a vacation at some point, etc. etc. 

I know I need to do it and relatively speaking the side effects are really minimal.  I'm blessed to have an understanding employer and staff and to have health insurance that leaves me only moderately broke after the thrice weekly co-pays (and bizarre additional balances that seem to keep showing up).  I am also lucky to have the help at home that I have for those days (that seem to just pop up with no rhyme or reason) when I feel like crap and basically go to bed before my kids. 

I was actually excited to start chemo so I could put this whole cancer nightmare behind me, and believe me, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and empowerment with each treatment I finish. As much as I hate chemo, the thought of having to delay another treatment is terrifying to me.  I need to be active in kicking cancer's ass and stupid chemo is the only tool in my toolbox right now, so.....I guess it's a love-hate relationship at this point.

Wednesday was a crappy day.  I was sure I was getting pneumonia from the pain in my chest and weezing but yesterday that was gone and I actually got some good stuff accomplished at work.  However, today is gearing up to suck with some unique new symptoms that I won't get into right now....I'm worried it could be an indicator of something that will make them postpone chemo again.  I guess that's life and honestly, 8 weeks ago, I wasn't sure I would be here for 6 months to bitch about chemo, so I have to keep reminding myself how it truly is a "blessing and a curse", but mostly blessing.  Luckily the weekend is here and I think I can drink cold stuff again (until Wednesday) and that means a McDonald's Mocha Frappe is in my near future.  So for now, that will have to do

New hair

Since I will never blow dry it and it will never look like this again, here it is. The hair dresser lifted my spirits by gushing about how much hair I have (which I hear a lot but since lately I feel like I'm balding, it was nice to still hear it). She also asked me if I color my hair myself which, since it is my natural color (just a lot more blonde than it was when I was younger) always makes me feel good.

Hope this post and picture don't come off as too self absorbed, but it felt good to have some time just for me and some compliments.

Splitting Hairs

I'm currently sitting in the parking lot of Red Door. I've had it with my hair falling out and I'm going to get it cut short. My particular regimen is supposed to only cause "hair thinning" but the clumps that fall out daily are more than thinning. It is really gross. Of course, I had a baby 4 months ago and it's pretty common to lose hair around this time post-partum too so, I've been trying to wait it out and see if it gets better but...I'm so tired of not being able to wear it down (if I don't have it in a bun or pony tail, the clumps of hair will be all over me all day long). So, I'm going for it. Wes has cautioned me to not "pull a Miley Cyrus", but I'm so out of touch, I don't even know what that means. I plan to "pull a Katie Holmes" from a few years ago, when I had time to read Us Weekly.

Speaking of being tired... I am done with chemo treatment number 3... A quarter of the way done- yay! And yawn. So stinking exhausted. I'm also pretty nauseous today and earlier at work the air conditioning was on so high that my hands went completely numb. I could not even type. So, that sucked. I will have to remember to bring gloves next week. I got my Nulesta shot today, which may cause chest and hip pain.... Fun.

So, that is where things are today. Maybe I will post a picture of the hair later on. I feel like I sound pretty down and I'm really not, I'm just totally wiped out. And to use the cliche, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But, I know it could be worse, and the weekend is here, so that is good.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Why Doesn't Chemo Kill Fat Cells?

So much for my cancer wait loss plan. I've gained three pounds in a week! How did that happen? Oh yeah, the brownie bites and Milky Way bars at work. Stupid work. So now I have to have cancer and be fat.

I'm not going to let that happen. If I have to have cancer, I should at least get to button up my jeans without having to lay flat on the bed. So, I need to lay off some of the crap and somehow figure out how to get some routine exercise in. You know, between having a three year old, a four month old, a full time job, and a completely unpredictable treatment schedule that takes 8+ hours out of every other week and makes me feel crummy for 5 days each cycle. But I will find a way. I'm not going to be bald, with no pedicures AND fat. So, it's on. If you see me with a brownie bite, you have permission to shame me....unless I look like I really need it, then you should step off.

A Good Tired

I'm tired. But unlike the tired I've experienced for much of the past year, today I'm really happy to be tired. Today I'm tired because I did more laundry and carting things up and down my stairs than I've done in months. Today I'm tired because I was out running errands with my family. Mundane things like buying onesies and sleep sacks. Today, for the first time in a long time, I'm tired not because I have cancer, but because I have a three year old and a three month old. In short, I feel good and I'm getting my life back. And when you've had to rely on others to fold your laundry, change your baby's diapers and prepare your meals for over three months, mundane family life feels pretty awesome.

In other news, I had my first McDonalds Mocha Frappe yesterday. How have I made it this long without trying one of these?! Delicious. So much better than a Starbucks Frappacino (?), much cheaper, AND always available via drive thru. Thank goodness I can only tolerate cold beverages about 10 days a month (due to my chemo) or I would definitely be 400 pounds by Christmas.

Of course, this is a chemo week, so "feeling crappy tired" is just around the corner, but I'll deal with that on Wednesday.

Cycle 2 Day 2

Had I written this directly after chemo yesterday it would have focused solely on how blessed I was feeling. I opted to walk up the four stories to the lab instead of taking the elevator, and other than being a little winded, the fact that I could do it considering where I was 4 weeks ago feels like a miracle in itself.  When I arrived in the lab I was immediately struck by how packed it was.  There are about 7-8 bays with 4 chairs each in them and it looked like all of them were full.  They got me in a little after my appointment time and while I waited it occurred to me (through extremely brief glances upward as in chemo labs,  as it is on the metro-- the unwritten rule is don't make eye contact) how sick so many of the people there looked.  Yes, most of them were significantly older than me, but they still have people who need them and things they want to do with their lives.  Fucking cancer.  While I was there they actually had to call an ambulance for someone, it was scary and sobering.  The past several days, I have felt pretty good.  I'm back at work and while I am worn out by 8 pm, I think it is really good for me.  Wes, Garrison and I actually had a dance party Tuesday night, something I haven't participated in in months.  I am starting to be able to picture my life post cancer and it is so exciting.

But by 6 pm last night, I was feeling the effects of the chemo.  I had terrible eye twitches and blurriness that lasted until I went to sleep, but seem to be gone now.  It was really annoying.  I also had a hard time with my hands, numbness maybe?  I had to write a check for Garrison's tuition and it was hard to do...my handwriting looked totally different.  But they seem to be fine now, too.  The mouth/jaw pain that I experienced last time and kept me from eating for two days is back, but I've found that if I power through the first two bites, I can finish the meal with tolerable pain, but the first two bites are excruciating.  And then it happens again for the next meal.   Also, the neuropathy is worse than last time.  I took a casserole out of the fridge and barely got it to the counter it hurt my fingers so much.  Rozanne brought me some gloves to keep hooked on the fridge for future endeavors.  I was at the Nordstroms restroom yesterday and after washing my hands I went to use the Dyson hand dryer and it was painfully cold, so I had to use paper towels, sorry global warming...But the worst part (so far) of the neuropathy is helping G wash her hands.  She doesn't want to use hot water and I can't use cold (we're like Jack Sprat and his wife, I guess).  Luckily, she is awesome and when I told her I couldn't help her, she did it all by herself, hopefully it isn't a fluke!  This morning I've got a headache and my face is flushed but otherwise, feel ok.  I'm at work and hope the steroids won't wear off until tonight.  I got a cute Vera Bradley bag to put my pump in and it is much more comfortable than the one they give me in the lab.  So, all in all, doing ok.

10 more to go.