Radiation 101

As of tomorrow I will be half way done with radiation-- yay!!  So, I figured I'd do a quick post outlining the details of how it works (well, I don't know how radiation works, but I will detail the process  for me to get radiation). 

First and foremost, I feel pretty good.  Effects are supposed to be culmulative so I guess it could still go downhill, but it can['t go downhill for too long since I'm almost done.

So, every Monday through Friday I leave my house at about 6:55 for Fairfax Hospital where I have a standing 7:15 appointment.  Radiation patients get a special parking space in the garage (not really sure why, but I'm not going to complain) which still feels painfully far away from the building since it has been so cold and there seems to be a bit of a wind tunnel created between the hospital and the garage.  I take the elevator down to the basement and sign in on the computer at the front desk.  Usually before I can even find an article to read in one of the hundreds of magazines they have, they call me back to get changed.  I point out the number of magazines because I find it ironic that at the Oncologist office where I usually had to wait for about 30 minutes each time I went, they had like 4 magazines, none of which are as fun as the ones at the radiation office where I never wait.  Anyway, I put my magazine down and walk over to where the changing rooms are and begin the ritual of knocking on the doors and opening them to see if anyone or anyone's clothes are already in them.  I almost never find an empty room until the 4th and last door-- perhaps I will just begin there tomorrow.  Writing this blog helps me see things that never would occur to me normally...So, I get changed, which means taking off everything below the waist (but keep on my socks and shoes) and put on a gown and go to the next waiting room (which has no magazines or cell phone reception) and wait.  Usually I'm alone but sometimes there is this other guy in there, also with no pants on but dress socks pulled up to his knees.  We wait, while two women leave the radiation area to head back to change.  They both have pants on but no shirts under their gowns.  Then a radiation therapist comes into the waiting room and instructs us to go back.  Dressy knee high socks guy usually goes to the right and I usually go the left.  When I get to the radiation station I need to tell them my name, date of birth and what area they are treating.  At this point I also find out who my two therapists are that day.  It is almost never the same exact team two days in a row.  I always hope I will get women but usually I get two guys.  I prefer women because 1) I have to lay on the table with nothing on from the waist down and 2) and more importantly to me, because the men NEVER offer me a blanket and it is freezing in the room.  The women always get me warm blankets, usually without asking.  I lay down on the table and the two therapists begin shimying me around to get me lined up.  This process usually lasts for about 5 minutes and includes them pulling the sheet I'm laying on one way and then the other until they get it right.  Somewhat humiliating while you are laying there commando.  Then they leave the room and the big radiation arm rotates around me a few times shooting radiation in me and taking pictures for about 4 minutes and then I'm done. So yes, the shimying process lasts longer than the actual radiation.  Most days of the week I just go back and change and leave.  On Thursdays I see the doctor and sometimes they want me to see a dietition or social worker on other days. Basically they are all just checking in to see if I'm tolerating radiation ok (yes), maintaining my weight (yes and then some, unfortunately) and if I'm holding it all together mentally (usually). 

So that is my radiation experience so far in a nutshell.  Well, it is pretty detailed I guess, but there just isn't really that much to it.  Like I've said, I feel pretty good.  Getting a little more tired these days but nothing like with chemo...and I partially have to blame getting up so early and my sweet Brooksie boy who likes to see us overnight for some of that.

More to come soon....

Much Ado About Nothing

Well, radiation is a breeze.  I realize the effects will be cumulative so I will probably be singing a different tune in a couple of days or weeks but-- so far, so good.  I was on the table for about 7 minutes.  Easy peasy.  I do have some lower back (kidney?) pain, but I think that is from the chemo or residuals from having the stomach bug this weekend....or a combo of the two. 

The chemo pills are enormous and I am worried about keeping them down after this stuff starts to build up as I have a terrible gag reflex.  But, we'll see.

I do have to take a second to bitch about my neuropathy.  My fingers and feet are so numb and it almost seems to be getting worse the further away I get from taking the Oxaliplatin that caused it to begin with.  My oncologist said he hears that a lot but has a theory that people just think it is getting worse because the other symptoms get so much better.  I think that is bullshit and people know when something is getting worse.  It is so difficult to type or write and forget about doing something intricate like closing a Ziploc bag or trying to work a clasp on one of Garrison's 47 necklaces.  Don't get me wrong, I will take this all day, every day over a lot of the other side effects I had...but it still stinks.

So that's all for now.

The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

I am starting radiation tomorrow!  While I'm nervous, I know I can't finish until I start so I am excited to get this show on the road.  During my final consultation on Friday there were some positives, a few negatives and one down right funny moment. 

First, the Good:  Apparently you burn extra calories while doing radiation.  Yes! I'm skeptical but wouldn't that be awesome!?!  My nurse was adamant about me needing to keep my calories up....no problem!  Well, hopefully it won't be a problem (see the bad). 

I will go in every morning, Monday-Friday at 7:15 for five weeks.  I'm really happy I got an early appointment time so I won't have to miss work.  It lasts about 20-30 minutes.  I'm hoping I'll be disciplined enough to keep up with using the treadmill every morning at 5:30 (more calories!).

The Bad:  This is going to be expensive.  I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I have very good insurance and I know it could be so much worse,  but those co-pays are going to add up fast when I'm going every day. 

The other bad part is the side effects.  Sounds like I could have some significant pain and since there are a lot of "high functioning" areas where they will be doing the radiation...some of my...um bodily functions could be affected.  Of course, there is the ever present promise of diarrhea, so that will be fun.  But, like I've said before, it is 5 weeks and I can do anything for 5 weeks. 

The Funny:  This part wasn't so funny at first but now it cracks me up.  When I went for my consult on Friday the nurse started explaining what I could expect in terms of side effects.  She said the first week would be ok but somewhere during the second week my breast would start to look very sunburned.  HUH? I said, "that's weird, why would my breast look sunburned?"  She said, "because that is where the radiation is going for your breast cancer" HUH?  "Um, I don't have breast cancer" (or do you know something I don't know??).  She says "Ooops!  What kind of cancer do you have?"  "Colon"...."oh, well then you are going to have a lot more side effects...let me get my paperwork on that!"  Good grief!  Luckily the radiation technicians had already done their job and they no where the radiation is going.


So that's all for now.  I'll update again soon.

Big Ben, Parliament.

I had planned on posting a jubilant piece about how I wasn't doing chemo today, but it turns out that chemo is the gift that keeps on giving. And there is no gift receipt. I had my post-chemo follow up today where I found out I needed to do "low dose" chemo while I am doing radiation. So....I'm not done with chemo after all. I am sure you all are as sick of my doom and gloom posts as I am but I am seriously bummed that I am not done. Chemo seriously sucks....and while this "low dose" means I take a pill twice a day instead of needing to go to the lab all day once every two weeks, I have heard that the pill form actually has more side effects than Iv chemo....and that does not appeal to me at all.

The good news is that it is only five weeks and I can do anything for five weeks. Hopefully that will be it and THEN I can move on, but I'm so tired of my finish line constantly moving backwards. And did I mention that I hate chemo? I'm feeling pretty good right now but the neuropathy in my fingers and feet is really bad. My feet are so numb that I sometimes miss my footing and almost trip. This afternoon, I finally ate it on the drive way and scratched up my hand and leg pretty bad. I don't believe the new meds will make that worse but there's a slew of other side effects to get used to.

So.....that's the update. I meet with the radiation oncologist tomorrow and should get to start radiation the week of the 21st.

The Final Countdown ....

Da da Da da, dadadadada

I am hooked up to my chemo drip for (hopefully) the last time ever. I was warned it might be a little strange when I went for my last session and, well, it was.  We'll see how Friday goes since that is really my last day but I think the bottom line is that I am not going to feel done or *free* or less terrified until I see that PET scan and unfortunately, I may have a while before I can do that.  Don't get me wrong, life "chemo free" is going to bring me a great deal of happiness.  I am going to feel like I have so much more energy and time on my hands.  I'm really looking forward to using that time and energy wisely. 

I am fully expecting the PET scan to come back clear, but sometimes there is a voice in my head that spews statistics (which is really weird when you consider how bad I was at statistics in college)  and the fear comes back.  I get scared that decreasing my dose of chemo will make it not all be gone.  What if I wasn't strong enough to handle the amount of medicine I needed to fight this thing??  Some people might say this type of thinking in not productive and I agree that blaming myself is not fair....but I do feel like I need to prepare myself for the fact that there is a chance I will not be "NED" (no evidence of disease).  Hopefully that won't happen and I never have to see that freaking chemo lab or the truly wonderful people who work there and get treated there ever again.   As I've said from the beginning, I haven't really had a choice to do chemo, work full time, raise kids, be a wife, etc. so I'm not necessarily proud of "accomplishing" anything....believe me, if I wasn't scared of dying, I would have quit chemo at session 8. But I am still generally happy to have made it to the end.  And I think I did it with some grace and dignity, whcn I was feeling up to it ; )  Luckily last session was decent.  Unfortunately, I feel kind of crummy already this time around.  Guess that is the crapshoot that is chemo.

So at this time on Friday, I will be done.  Hopefully I will feel ok, but even if I don't, I know it will be the last time I have to feel like that so I will suck it up.  I will probably update after the weekend again and then I'll be back when radiation is about to start.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!

One More to Go!!!

I honestly can't believe I'm almost done with chemo. It's hard to explain as on the one hand, I had less than six months of chemo to do and I think we've all experienced how quickly six months can go. On the other hand, I had 12 cycles of chemo and got pretty sick, run down, in pain with almost every one, which made it feel like I would never get through. Cycles 9 and 10 were so hard I was seriously taking anxiety meds in preparation for number 11....and then.....nothing. This was possibly the easiest cycle I've had, including the first one and side effects are definitely supposed to be cumulative. I have no idea why I didn't have migraines, vomiting, debilitating exhaustion, though the neurotic in me is of course worried they didn't give me the right meds or dose. They show me everything they give me, but how do I know there wasn't some Kramer-esque mix up in the lab and I wound up with dextrose instead of 5-fu or Oxi. Yes, one of my chemo drugs is called 5- fu. I find it appropriate. Sometimes while I'm hurling into my trash can I find myself saying F U, fu. Not really but, I could say that. But now I only have one more opportunity to say that!! Of course, after this last cycle I'm hoping for another easy go of it, but if I need to take one on the chin and go out with a blaze of chemo induced glory then that is what I'll do. I've got a med cabinet full of anti-nausea meds that need to be used up before they expire. Bring it!

Alas I won't be completely done when I get disconnected on the 28th. I go in for my pre-radiation appointment on the 10th and then I should start radiation about two weeks after that. I will go in 5 days a week for 5 weeks but should be able to work and the side effects (if not the risks) are much less than chemo. I'm disappointed that my finish line has been pushed back, but I know I have to do everything I can to beat this thing...so...I'm doing radiation.

Hope everyone is having a happy and healthy holiday season.

Some Perspective

I'm sitting in the chemo lab getting IV fluids, like I do each Friday after chemo, and watching the most horrific thing I've seen in years. A shooting at a Connecticut Elementary school where at least 18 children, most likely kindergardners have been killed. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of what they went through. I want to go grab Garrison and never let her out of my sight.

I was all set to post about me and how chemo is going but, screw me. Chemo is fine (it actually seems to be taking it easy on me this time), but cancer seems like such small potatoes when you compare it to losing your baby. I pray these families can find peace, I have no idea how you go on. I suppose if you have other children, you go on for them but I can't fathom the pain....and I think I know a bit about pain.